Owning Pink Bloggers
The Story Of An Imperfect Woman
I know an imperfect woman who makes lots of mistakes, fails to live up to traditional models of what a good woman would be like, and insists upon doing many things people think she shouldn’t do.
The House
Let’s take housekeeping, for starters. She lives in a beautiful home but she’s really a slob. She sort of plunders and strews her way around the house, leaving socks and stray papers and empty tea cups in her wake. The children scatter marbles. There are wet towels on the floor. The dishes are mostly clean - mostly - but not always. Except for the hour after the housekeeper comes, her house is always in a sort of happy chaos (read “pigsty.”)
But she’s brilliant in the kitchen. She feeds her family divine meals, concocted from organic produce hand-picked at the farmer’s market and lovingly crafted without recipes. The down side is that this only makes more dishes, which her husband washes, right after he picks up her towel, cleans up the marbles, and straightens the stray papers.
She has exquisite taste in interior decorating, and the house is peppered with fine art, fresh flowers, and gorgeous Italian furniture, underneath the stacks of magazines and the tennis balls the dog tosses about.
The Child
Never one of those women who must be a mother, she was on the fence about having children - she could have gone either way - until her husband decided he must be a father. And she happily lent her uterus to the cause, but only after he agreed to do at least 50% of the parenting.
After gestating and birthing her daughter, she had to go back to work only five weeks postpartum, while she was still breast-feeding and before her stay-home daddy husband quite knew what to do without her. She wanted to stay home longer. She wanted nothing more than to snuggle her child for months more - but she pays the bills and her job wouldn’t give her more time.
So she pumped and the Daddy raised the baby, and she cherishes her time in the evenings with her daughter, when she reads stories and teaches her about life and love and fairy magic. She had to skip Mommy and Me classes. She never reads parenting books. She misses watching her daughter at gymnastics class.
Sometimes her job takes her on the road, and she has to be away for a week at a time. Sometimes she can’t even call home when she wants to. But her daughter is happy and loved and all her needs are met. When she asks her daughter if she’s mad that Mommy’s job makes her go to New York, she says, “I understand, Mommy. I miss you when you’re gone, but the people of New York need you too.”
She doesn’t throw fancy birthday parties, though the Nana does. She doesn’t bake cupcakes from scratch. She doesn’t always know the right thing to say to children or plan the most creative playdates ever. She doesn’t even try to be cool with the other moms at school. She often looks like a basket case - and is. The other moms are actually a little mystified by her because she’s not usually the one delivering her daughter to school - the Daddy is. So the moms sort of keep their distance and marvel at what kind of woman doesn’t drop off her child and pick her up every day.
She’s not the world’s best Mommy, but she makes a righteous good Daddy.
The Job
She used to have a stable job - with a fancy six figure income and a cushy retirement account and job security for life. It would have paid for her daughter’s college fund and fancy cars and vacations in Hawaii. But it made her unhappy - so she quit, even though she didn’t have a back up plan. This led her to spend her family’s savings so she could take a job chasing butterflies. It wasn’t the safe choice, and she doesn’t regret it for a second.
She loves her work. I mean LOVES her work, and she gets to mostly do it from home, which is part of why she’s such a slob. If she had an office, she’d plunder and strew there instead. She feels truly called to do the work she does, and it fills her with great fulfillment and purpose. But it keeps her busy, too busy most times to straighten the house or attend every school function.
Sometimes she starts work at 5am. Sometimes she finishes work past midnight. Sometimes she has to whisper “Shh…Mommy’s working” when her daughter wants to tell her a story. And sometimes she says no when her husband wants to chat because she’s on a deadline.
The Appearance
She used to be skinny and super fit and wrinkle-free - you know, the way fashion magazines encourage women to be. But times have changed, she got older, she gained a little pooch around the middle, and those who don’t know her well tell her she should get Botox if she wants to keep her husband happy. She chooses not to. It’s not that she doesn’t care about her appearance - she loves pretty clothes and would love to lose the pooch and she liked her face better before the wrinkles - but she doesn’t want to be one of those women forever chasing the beauty of her youth. She wants to accept that her value lies deeper than her skin or her figure or her new grey hairs. So she skips the Botox and the plastic surgery some others her age are using to stay youthful in their appearance.
She loves nice clothes, but because she works from home, she sometimes doesn’t get out of her PJ’s until it’s time to take her afternoon hike. She sometimes doesn’t brush her hair either. She might even forget to brush her teeth because she’s so caught up in what she’s doing. She wears makeup about once a week and wears mismatched socks not infrequently. When she does dress up, she’s very likely to wear something you might find inappropriate for a woman of her age. In her mind, she’s still 21. Sometimes she still dresses that way.
The Behavior
She doesn’t always play by the rules. Okay, that’s putting it mildly. She can be very in-your-face about stuff, especially if you push her buttons. She has a tendency to rant. She doesn’t really care what you think that much. She lets her freak flag fly. She marches to the beat of a mixture of steel drums and the sound of hail hitting the metal of your car roof.
She cusses. She listens to rap. She sings out loud, in public, when others are watching and when they’re not. Sometimes she has too much to drink. Sometimes she strips naked and hangs out in hippie hot springs with strangers. She refuses to make small talk or try to “work a room.” She says “no” often. She says “yes” often.
She’s not concerned with trying to impress you. She only wants to be around those who won’t judge her, so if you don’t like the way she lives her life, she pretty much doesn’t give a flip - because it’s her life.
She can be bossy. She likes to get her way. She has her diva moments. But deep down, she always means well and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.
She loves deeply, lives passionately, and nurtures warmly, even if it’s in her own quirky way. She’s a good and loyal friend, she’s guaranteed to make you feel inspired, and she makes a mean raw chocolate, but she may not return your phone call or remember your birthday.
The Bedroom
She feels a little sexually restless from time to time, so she tries to spice it up in the bedroom. She pole dances. She watches tasteful girl-on-girl porn. She and her husband are experimenting with Orgasmic Meditation. They still have the hots for each other after all these years, and they want to have sex more often than they do, but when they do get it on, it’s increasingly satisfying. She asks for what she wants in bed. She’s not shy about going first. She encourages her husband to share his fantasies, and he does. She’s not demure - or proper. She doesn’t do stuff in bed she doesn’t want to do. She says “no” often. She says “yes” often.
The Husband
While he knows she’s far from perfect - and isn’t trying to be so - her husband accepts - even loves - her idiosyncrasies, though some think he shouldn’t. He knows she’s not a traditional wife, but he’s not a traditional husband either, so it works for him. He’d like it if she straightened up more, but he’s resigned to trying to keep the chaos at bay without striving for perfection himself.
He doesn’t really want to work, so he’s pretty happy to let her pay the bills. In fact, with multiple degrees from Ivy League schools, he may be the most over-educated, un-ambitious stay-at-home Dad you’ve ever met. And he’s cool with that. He pretty much doesn’t care what you think about that. He’s not interested in some 9-to-5 grind in a suit, and he doesn’t want to feel pressured to bring home a paycheck, although he works his patooty off cleaning up after his wife and daughter, tending to the household needs, and pursuing his painting and novel-writing dreams.
He picks up her socks, makes her green juice, cleans the dishes, and carts the daughter off to school, not because she makes him, but because he chooses to. He loves his life, and he doesn’t want anyone judging his choices any more than she wants people judging hers.
Their marriage is a good one, a loving one, even though it doesn’t much resemble most marriages. Their mutual brand of quirkiness works - oddly enough.
The Stereotype
She doesn’t fit the stereotype of how most people think a “good woman” should live or behave. She considers herself a feminista. She chooses how she lives her life. She refuses to be put in boxes or to be limited by the expectations of others. She’s not interested in wearing masks. She knows she’s not perfect, but she also knows nobody is - and that anybody who looks like they are is just faking it. She no longer even tries to be perfect, and she doesn’t want you to hold yourself to impossible standards either.
She values authenticity more than impossible standards of perfection or outdated models of feminine virtue.
She wants you to love her just the way she is - but if you don’t, that’s okay too. She cares more that you love YOU just the way you are.
The Confession
In case you hadn’t figured it out already, she is ME. Just in case you had some misguided notion of who you think I might be.
I’d ask you what you think of this woman - or even better, what you might have thought of this woman before you found out it was me. But honestly, I don’t care - so no need to tell me.
I care more about whether you can give yourself permission to be perfectly imperfect and truly authentic.
Can you?
Just me,
Lissa
Lissa Rankin, MD: Founder of OwningPink.com, motivational speaker, and author of What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend and Encaustic Art: The Complete Guide To Creating Fine Art With Wax.
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You
By KC (not verified) on Wednesday, 08/10/2011 at 8:38 PMOh, the minute I read this article, I knew it was you, Lissa. And that is OK!!! :) Why try to be somebody else? I know I don't. And I don't expect you (or others) to be either. So us women need to repeat that last part to ourselves. We don't have to! What one woman has, can compliment what we don't have, vice versa! :) So come on women~let's feel liberated! Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't. And the only person you have to answer to (in a sense) is your partner and/or children. If it works for them, then success! Ya!
Lissa, thank you for your
By Nina (not verified) on Saturday, 07/30/2011 at 6:40 PMLissa, thank you for your openness and letting your readers take a peak inside your house. It is great that you found a lifestyle that makes you happy and works for your whole family. I am a recovering perfectionist myself and life had gotten so much easier after I stopped criticizing myself and have high expectations from others. After this change I found a future husband fairly quickly. I looked at his "imperfections" and said to myself "yes, I can live with that". The joy that this person brings into my life outweighs the little flaws.
I am curious - what is Orgasmic Meditation?
imperfect
By Trish (not verified) on Sunday, 07/17/2011 at 4:13 AMWhen I grew up ( Many moons ago) perfection was not something young ladies strove for.Or worried about. No, instead they just spent their energy doing the work necessary to live: to wash the clothes and hang them outside, to hand wash the dishes for large families and iron all the cotton clothing, including handkerchiefs all men carried. They had no microwaves, or frozen dinners, so mealtime took time and energy. If you worked and some did, they still had to accomplish the above chores and men rarely helped out.
Otherwise they didn't have as much free time to worry about being perfect and no one asked them to be. Before magazines and TV invaded our heads, only the movies set social examples and we rarely got to see them. We weren't daily, hourly bombarded by standards created by someone else, instead of the internal ones created throughout our imperfect lives. Our mothers and families were our strongest influences, not that they were always the best ones but at least we chose who to be: them or us.
So, I guess what I am saying is that you can chose to be who you are or not. It is your choice: not that of an abusive partner, or an overbearing friend, or TV or People Magazine or a stunning over-productive, neighbor but YOU, beautiful, special YOU! Give yourself time and permission to just BE, to find who you are and love her. Tend her and comfort her as you would a lost child. Perhaps she is.
Grounding words...
By Anonymous (not verified) on Sunday, 07/17/2011 at 5:12 AMTo live by, thank you for the reminder, placing our modern neuroses in the context of time, herstory. Wisdom is greatly appreciated.
Hi Lissa! I enjoy the work
By Anonymous (not verified) on Saturday, 07/16/2011 at 10:03 PMHi Lissa! I enjoy the work you do. I think that this article is very inspiring to most but I also think it could go another way. Even though its not a judgement call on anyone or a negative comment I just wanted to leave a little opinion of mine. I really believe that these little things that we feel are imperfections are often things we haven't conquered in our own lives and so they bother us when we see something or some way we are not but that we strive to be. Cleanliness is not an imperfection but seen as a respect issue for your things and mostly for yourself. I am not implying that I am "clean" pr perfect I am simply stating I have learned from others in relation to this topic. With the skinny and youthful comment those types of imperfections aren't imperfections unless that's how you view them. Moderation and a high fiber / high vitamin diet can leave you feeling younger and more vibrant than you may have felt years ago. Our society has a different view on health these days and many people don't eat the adequate intake of fruits, veggies, and essential fats. Again, I am just speaking from my own experiences and I have never had children so I don't yet know the toll that will take on my body. I really did enjoy the article and found it interesting. No one is perfect and I can say I am in the workings of accepting my "imperfections" and not letting anyone else or my ego control how I feel about myself day to day. I hope this comment adds to positive pondering. Thank you for your openness and love you send out to the world. I hope to do the same one day. :)
Thank you Lissa!!! You gave
By Michelle Medina (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 12:16 PMThank you Lissa!!! You gave us a deeper look, or should I say, even deeper, into who you are, and I've discovered through you/your look, that I desire to a bit more like you. I don't mean you, that goes beyond flattery, but what I do mean is as I said, I desire to a bit more like you, and a bit less conventional!! Thank you!!!!!
What if, instead of comparing
By Jessica (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 10:04 AMWhat if, instead of comparing myself with every fit person in my surroudings (and falling short, ofcourse) I would go to sleep whenever I felt the need to, without guilt or remorse. Just for a week maybe?
*sigh of content*
Thank you for the reminder Karen
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 8:59 AMBut I've actually come A LONG way. I don't consider myself hard on myself anymore. I actually feel very peaceful. And these things I'm confessing here- I'm not ashamed of them. They are me- for better or for worse- and I accept them. Doesn't mean I don't strive for more sometimes, but always with self love in the moment...
Thank you for reaching out and reminding me there's always more self-love when we dig deep down...
Sing it out, Sister!
By Karen (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 8:19 AMDear Lissa,
I've been a follower of yours for a little while now. You always lift me up and make me feel better about myself. I applaud you for writing and sharing your beautiful story. And I feel compelled to ask you to not be so hard on yourself. You are your biggest judge of yourself, no one else. I'm not a devout religionist of any degree, but I believe and LOVE God and what I've learned in my own soul searching is that we are ALL perfect and that in life everything we experience is by our own choosing, consciously and unconsciously. You bring joy to MILLIONS! And you know, for all those people who don't think you 'fit the mold' of being a 'traditional wife and mother' - seriously, forget them. People are fearful of what they don't understand, and that's okay, but never let other's thoughts, words and actions dictate how you live YOUR life. Your true happiness (and of course your family's as well) is all that really matters. Keep following your passions, your bliss, your heart and your soul; you are already perfection, the only thing that changes is what next big thing do YOU want and your evolving perception. So thank you, you are a constant inspiration.
With love and gratitude,
Karen
The imperfection of perfection....
By Lisa Gould Rubin (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 7:30 AMThis is a wonderful testimony to where you have been, where you are and the courage you have tapped into that renders feeling like you have to be courageous a non-issue.
I love what you have written, Lissa and wanted to encourage you to read (if you haven't already) Anna Quindlen's story of her own journey from perfectionist to imperfectionist entitled "Being Perfect".
Thank you for sharing this, Lisaa...
Lisa
Dear Imperfectly Perfect Anonymous Psychologist
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 6:21 AMSuch great questions!
For me, it's about trusting the process. I have to believe that The Universe doesn't make mistakes, and if I surrender to God's will for me- and something isn't happening "perfectly" in my professional life or my marriage or with my daughter or with my health- I have to believe that it's part of the journey, that I'm learning what I need to learn so I can make progress in Divine timing, after I'm ready and have learned whatever I'm supposed to learn during a setback.
It kind of takes the pressure off. As long as I'm doing the best I can in the moment- which is all any of us can ever strive to do- I give myself permisssion to love who I am, even if things aren't going as I planned.
It's not about "it's all good" or narcissism or arrogance or any of those things, really. It's about trusting the process, forgiving myself, being my own cheerleader, and having faith.
Clear as mud?
THANK YOU
By Virginia (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 10:07 AMLissa,
Thank you for the positive words. It's so nice to be able to express the truth about ourselves and knowing there are people out that do, and not afraid of the repurcussions. I have made some poor choices since my divorce of 21 yrs. 10 yrs. ago. Ironically, it happened to be when I was most internally whole only not emotionally (much verbal abuse) and I am now just barely learning to let go of the pain and others suffering I caused by leaving. I can't fix the past but I can sure work on the future.
What authenticity means to me
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 5:29 AMYes, it is about embracing the perfection in the imperfection, learning to love ourselves no matter what, being unapologetically who you are, releasing the grip of caring what everybody else thinks, letting your freak flag fly, and being ALL YOU, ALL THE TIME.
That doesn't mean permission to be out of alignment with your values, integrity, and beliefs. But it does mean that sometimes you will fall out of line- and when you do, it's about easy and rapid forgiveness of yourself and speedy realignment with who you aim to be, while also accepting who you are in this very moment.
Great question, M!
Thank you...
By M. Petruzzi (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 5:33 AMThank you for your quick response... I like this part, especially:
"That doesn't mean permission to be out of alignment with your values, integrity, and beliefs. But it does mean that sometimes you will fall out of line- and when you do, it's about easy and rapid forgiveness of yourself and speedy realignment with who you aim to be, while also accepting who you are in this very moment."
:-)
Unapologetically ME
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 5:07 AMThank you all for your support- and yes, I can tell you it's very FREEING to be unapologetically who you are.
It doesn't mean I don't aim to improve certain aspects of my life, body, or personality. It just means I accept myself in the process...
Thank you so much for the support.
With love
Lissa
Perfect in your imperfection
By Madeleine (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 12:04 AMYour post brought tears to my eyes..... I love the honesty and the guts. I respect you now more than ever.
This lady you were describing.... I almost envy her. I want to be more like her than anyone else I have ever read about!
I am pretty honest about who I am and I'm pretty ok with who I am..... and to tell you the truth it sounds very much like me in so many ways!
I have an official new dream.... to write a post like this one day soon. To be TOTALLY unapologeticly me!
Thank you for the inspiring post.
Very likeable
By LittleDarling (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 9:32 PMThis imperfect woman is very likeable. Actually more likeable than most of the other women that try to fulfill society's standards.
And she reminds me a bit of me and my life.
Thank you for being so honest. Thank you for not wearing a mask. Thank you for being true to yourself and speaking about it. It is inspiring.
BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!
By mojitogirl (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 5:24 PMBRAVA!!!!!!!!!! BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!! I loved it! Who says you have to play by the rules?? If dancing in the moonlight naked makes you feel great, go for it!! You are, as always, a true inspiration for women of any age!! much love from Miami Mojitogirl
YES
By Anonymous (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 3:26 PMI love the ideas here, both in your post and in the comments. I myself am working on focusing less on the "should" and more on the "am". A damned hard thing to do when you're battling depression, but I've found so much help and encouragement on this site. Thank you.
Finding your way through
By LittleDarling (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 9:38 PMFinding your way through depression is hard. But the only way to actually get through it is moving from the "should" to the "want". I've been working on this for a few years now and there are days I succeed and others where I don't succeed all that much. But it is worth the effort. There are so many expectations our society wants us to fulfill, which is impossible. Wish you lots of strength.
My Dear Lissa! Thank you for
By Larry Chapman (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 3:10 PMMy Dear Lissa! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I never have been a perfectionist, I
always strive to do my very best and I
accept myself for the person I am !
What ever imperfections I have does not
change who I am! I know I am a good
person in everything I do in life!
Lissa you are perfect the way you are!
Love Ya!
Larry Chapman
My Dear Lissa! Thank you for
By Larry Chapman (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 3:10 PMMy Dear Lissa! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I never have been a perfectionist, I
always strive to do my very best and I
accept myself for the person I am !
What ever imperfections I have does not
change who I am! I know I am a good
person in everything I do in life!
Lissa you are perfect the way you are!
Love Ya!
Larry Chapman
Perfection=Only True Death
By M. Petruzzi (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 2:05 PMPerfection is the only true death. Instead of going for perfection, I counsel my clients to go for what they want to bring into the space of whatever they're doing, that feels expansive, and not constrictive or resistant for them. This may change MOMENT TO MOMENT.
For example, there is usually a schedule on a project or a way of dressing or a way of communicating or eating—or anything—that *feels* appropriate without a lot of push and pull and self-contorting to make it happen.
So often our idea of perfection is actually compliance with an external standard we've given our authority away to.
Take it back. Take it back now. :)
Fly Your Freak Flag Lissa!
By Leah Shapiro (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 1:17 PMI love this post!
I love how authentic you are and the example that you set! It's inspiring!
I am perfectly me and nothing else.
I learned a long time ago that when I love and accept all parts of me- especially the freaky weird parts- and fly my freak flag high and proud- my life totally rocks and the right people and opportunities show up for me.
I also am told that my being authentic and 100% ME inspires other people to do the same-just like you are doing right now.
I'm so passionate about this that I made it my job to help people fly their freak flags too. ;-)
I love who you are Lissa!
Rock on!
Leah
Gitta, my dear, you are PERFECT
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 1:09 PMI think you're amazing, just the way you are. I can see your radiance, your brilliance, your courage, your beauty-
and I have every faith that you will come to see the perfection in all your glorious imperfection too.
May we all find our peace with who we really are...
Perfection- part of hiding
By Gitta Sivander (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 1:01 PMThe topic of PERFECTION is so right on what I am dealing at the moment- THANK YOU Lissa for addressing it and most of all for sharing yourself so honestly. You are such a great model for how you have come to love yourself, you radiate comfort with who you are, and that to me means everything!
I have found that in my daily maniac of wanting to be perfect with every move I do, every thought or strategy I create, just the way I am walking trough my day is all about "the perfect way". And with that comes a tremendous amount of judgement towards myself and others.
But most of all I find the the search for perfection is a way of hiding INSECURITY, which I never realized before that that was the case! I always thought me- what, I?? no, I was certainly NOT insecure, but uh ohhhh, I am finding myself to be sooooo insecure! And trying to be perfect is the perfect way of putting up a wall and working on hiding that insecurity.
I find that search for perfection quiet a burden to take on every day and what I feel will liberate me is to take a stance for who I am...who is Gitta? And life that fully on. Acceptance and expression of who I am is the safest way of not needing to hide out anymore, and away it goes, that expectation of Self-Perfection!!!
lots of hugs, Gitta
The challenge
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 12:58 PMWhat if, instead of just tolerating our flaws, we embrace them and realize that therein lies the secret to our connection.
As you brilliantly said Erica, "The result is like a category 5 hurricane: the power surges and all of the barriers between us are blown away. After the scary parts, the peace is amazing."
YES! That's the ticket!
When we ditch our efforts to appear perfect, we blow away the barriers and we see ourselves in each other, and we ignite the connection between us that always exists but we sometimes lose sight of.
Yes...you get it...
Being.
By Erika (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 12:51 PMBeing flawed is so normal. But admitting flaws - now that's insane!
I am lucky to be learning more and more about the power of storytelling. It's a powerful experience for women, and can create such deep connections.
To share our stories and let others in on the truth about who we really are and, in turn, to hear others' stories is amazing. The result is like a category 5 hurricane: the power surges and all of the barriers between us are blown away. After the scary parts, the peace is amazing.
Thanks for telling us a part of your story, Lissa.
Everyone is doing the best they can.
By Julie (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 12:32 PMThe more courses I take and things that I study, the more I realize that everyone is doing the best that they can, with what they have. Everyone wants to be happy and loved and fit in somehow and we spend too much time trying to be the way we think people want us to be, instead of just being ourselves. Thank you for being imperfect you and letting us all be imperfect with you!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 12:14 PMBless you all, my friends.
Keep on being ALL YOU, ALL THE TIME, unapologetically!
xoxo
Lissa
Utterly the Truth
By Astra (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 11:55 AMLissa, thank you so much for sharing your Truth - it sounds quite a bit like mine, only I have 7 animals (I currently work from home and I am the stay-at-home animal "mom")instead of a daughter, a 13 year-long life partnership that resembles marriage with my beau :), and I am figuring out how to be more self-sufficient as far as moolah with the development of a new biz partnership. But Yes! to no masks any more and Yes! to letting my freak flag fly and Yes! to I don't care what people think and Yes! I hope that by me being Me I can assist others in being authentically them. Beautiful! Hooray!! :)
OMG!! Thank you! I heart your
By Tj <3 (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 11:43 AMOMG!! Thank you! I heart your imperfect self perfectly!!!! :) <3
I aspire to feel perfectly imperfect, and to pass it on!
By Anonymous (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 11:40 AMWhat a wonderful conversation to bring about...that we could actually feel authentic by accepting that we're perfect imperfect. I'm a recovering perfectionist, always charged ahead to feel good about myself. Mid-life career change to becoming a psychologist has left me feeling now what? This doesn't actually feel great, like I thought it would. How do I deeply and soulfully accept me for me.
I survived my divorce like a champ, while in graduate school. After many years, have a loving new soul-mate, and here I am, up against "am I doing it all perfectly". Growing my new practice is wraught with anxiety and feelings of "i'm not good enough", when does it stop? How do we unearth that place within us that says more, better, faster, prettier, happier, etc.
Questions, not answers, but at least it's thoughtful.
Namaste,
Lisa
I aspire to feel perfectly imperfect, and to pass it on!
By Anonymous (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 11:39 AMWhat a wonderful conversation to bring about...that we could actually feel authentic by accepting that we're perfect imperfect. I'm a recovering perfectionist, always charged ahead to feel good about myself. Mid-life career change to becoming a psychologist has left me feeling now what? This doesn't actually feel great, like I thought it would. How do I deeply and soulfully accept me for me.
I survived my divorce like a champ, while in graduate school. After many years, have a loving new soul-mate, and here I am, up against "am I doing it all perfectly". Growing my new practice is wraught with anxiety and feelings of "i'm not good enough", when does it stop? How do we unearth that place within us that says more, better, faster, prettier, happier, etc.
Questions, not answers, but at least it's thoughtful.
Namaste,
Lisa
♡
By Leayn Tabili (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 11:27 AM♡
this is why COMPARING ourselves to other women is so detrimental
By Chrystal (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 11:22 AMLove this, Dr. Lissa. You are so generous in sharing this with all of us.
None of are perfect. I am pretty sure we all do the best job we can with the tools and resources we have available.
I wish women would support each other more and stop trying to play that "Perfect" wife / mother / partner role. It's slowly killing (or atleast seriously stressing us) all of us.
Thank you for always being so authentic and honest. You inspire all of us to be more REAL and more comfortable when we are imperfect...or whatever that means.
I think a lot of us impose
By Ade (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 10:34 AMI think a lot of us impose these impossible perfection expectations on ourselves and, at times, even judge others for the same thing. It's a hard habit to break. I am a very accepting person and, possibly, too forgiving but we're all flawed. It's cool! We are supposed to be flawed. That's what makes our existence so precious and interesting.
To witness our species evolve as we have, to tolerate and appreciate differences amongst us is beautiful and we should embrace and push towards that for ourselves.
I am, by no means, perfect, but the more I train my brain to be a little more accepting and extend more compassion to myself, the easier my life gets. My brain is less cluttered. I see all the blessings around me. I cannot believe how lucky I truly am to have been born this person. When I feel this way, life's little challenges are just little challenges...and opportunities for personal growth. Tommorrow is another new exciting day of adventure.
authenticity
By Robin (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 9:30 AMNot everybody has it in them to put it out there like this. Bravo, Lissa!
That's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. We are none of us perfect, it's about loving and accepting ourselves. This is a timely message & push for me, thank you.
What does "Authenticity" Mean to You?
By M. Petruzzi (not verified) on Thursday, 07/14/2011 at 5:25 AMSure some of it is about embracing "imperfection" (I don't really believe in "perfection or "imperfection", but break things town to "where I'm seeking some improvement" and "where I'm happy with how things are"), but there's much more to it, I think. Authenticity, for me, is also very much about aligning my choices with my values, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, etc. When I succeed at this, others can sense this alignment, and it lifts the whole game out of the perfection/imperfection question. Anyone interested can read my recent blog on this by clicking my name above...
Yes, Suzanne
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 8:01 AMI totally agree with you. 100%. But most don't know what that means until you give them definitions (which defeats the whole purpose, eh?)
So I'm trying to break it down. But you're absolutely right. We are whole, perfect, and healed, right here, right now- we can rest and relax and feel joy in the process of JUST BEING.
Redefining "normal"
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 7:32 AMSuzanne,
That's what I'm trying to do here- not beat myself up for not being "normal" but to redefine "perfect" "normal" "imperfect," etc.
I'm cool with who I am, and I don't care what others think.
If only we could all JUST BE!
Amen, sister
Lissa
Why Define/Redefine at all?
By Suzanne DesRosiers (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 7:52 AMThanks for your response Lissa. But what if we didn't define or redefine ourselves at all? I think what I am saying is that by defining ourselves we just may be doing the opposite of "just being". In looking at the dictionary's "definition" of define, it uses words like boundaries, establish a character. They also include "give the meaning of" which I think also contributes to our self-judgment. I realize we endeavor to have "meaningful lives", but to what extent and who judges meaningful? Your thoughts?
Trying to just be,
Suzanne
define |diˈfīn|
verb [ trans. ]
1 state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of : the contract will seek to define the client's obligations.
• give the meaning of (a word or phrase), esp. in a dictionary.
• make up or establish the character of : for some, the football team defines their identity.
2 mark out the boundary or limits of : [as adj. ] ( defined) clearly defined boundaries.
• make clear the outline of; delineate : she defined her eyes by applying eyeshadow.
Imperfection - Within the Normal Range
By Suzanne DesRosiers (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 6:49 AMIt is amazing how we as a society tend to place judgments upon ourselves and others and feel the need to label. Why do we do that? Why can't we just be and not have to call ourselves anything, as in perfect/imperfect, neat/messy, fat/thin, pretty/ugly and of course, the list goes on. Imagine a world where we just embrace who we are without any of those titles, labels, and not listening to those self-imposed and outside criticisms. How cool with that be!!
Even as a doctor, you establish guidelines of what is "within the normal range". What is normal? Again, we have to impose some kind of parameter to judge. What can I do to stop imposing those guidelines upon myself and others?
What I have learned from you and my lifetime experiences is to JUST BE! That is so challenging isn't it? Just be. Just be. It is so profoundly simple, yet so profoundly difficult.
Thanks for sharing your imperfections and just being.
Enjoy your day!
Hugs,
Suzanne
So true!
By Kait (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 12:57 PMI've come to realize that I"m a pretty darn judgmental person. Its not something I am particularly proud of but it is part of me. I've been trying to work hard on blowing pixie dust instead, finding the beauty in what society says is "different" and looking beyond appearances. Life is way more fulfilling and my Inner Pilot Light is oh-so-satisfied. :)
You go girl!
By Ade (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 5:52 AMI'm on that same track myself and I'm loving it. You inspire me. By the way, today is Embrace Your Geekness day...so very appropriate, indeed!
I feel so blessed to be on this journey!
NOBODY is perfect
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 5:50 AMAnd anybody who leads you to think they are is just trying to impress you. When you dig underneath the appearances, we all have stories like this.
Those who are hiding their imperfections are often suffering in silence, hating themselves, or being criticized by others.
I refuse to do that- and I hope you'll do the same.
You are imperfectly perfect just the way you are.
I love you that way. In fact, it would make me crazy if you weren't.
I hope you can love you that way too.
Oh wow.
By Carz (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 2:38 AMLissa this post nearly brought me to tears. To see someone so comfortable within themself is such an amazing thing. It is also something I am working towards.
Two years ago I ended an emotionally and sexually abusive marriage. During the marriage, and for a long time afterwards, I would think "If only I was a better....." or even "If only I was....." followed by a huge list of things I had heard all my life that I needed to change. Those things I did do well became things I had to do perfectly just so that people would like me. I was slowly dying and thoughts of speeding up the process were frequent and became less and less disturbing. Even when I did end my marriage it was because the harm it was causing my children became impossible to ignore. That it saved me from further abuse was, in reality, far less important than protecting my kids.
I am slowly beginning to cut myself a little slack. I can finally see the end of the road for the degree I started before my marriage ended, and no longer feel the need to be perfect in my academic work. Surprisingly, to me, I am still able to get high grades without driving myself into the ground. I try not to put myself into situations that are likely to reignite my need for perfection. Maybe one day I will be able to go back to those things without feeling that my worth is wrapped up in being perfect. My house is in a constant state of controlled chaos and I probably don't cook from scratch as often as I should. But I am living. For the first time, well, ever I guess, I am able to be myself, flaws and all. While I still have times of wishing "If only...." it isn't the driving force behind everything I do. But I can truly say that I am now in control of my life, and be secure in the fact that people like me because of me, not because of what I can do for them. And perhaps the biggest change in my life is that I can honestly say that most of the time I really do like myself.
I understand life better than
By Anonymous (not verified) on Wednesday, 07/13/2011 at 12:28 AMI understand life better than before.I'm imperfect person too.As I said no one is perfect but I try to look the good things that others have.By this way we can keep our marriage life for almost 30 years.