I’m forty years old but only one or two people have ever seen me angry. I’m the picture of cool rationality almost all the time. Friends remark on how calm I am. My mother tells me that as a child, she never had any idea of when I was mad. When I was in marriage counseling, the therapist would try to get me to express anger. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. But, this morning, I lost it over a pair of shoes. And, when I say “lost it”, I mean I was screaming, throwing things, crying, and came “this close” to walking out, in the pouring rain, in 50 degree weather, IN MY BARE FEET.

If you have been reading my other posts, you know I was laid off from my job last year. I’ve spent 2010 building my own business from home. Every morning, I take my son to school, and then, meet a friend to walk outside for an hour. Afterwards, I return home to work. On the days it rains, I get ready, like I’m going to an office, pack up my computer, and after dropping my son off, head to a nearby café with free internet. Today is a rainy day.

When I was working in an office, I wore dresses and heels every day. I love dresses. I mow the lawn in a dress (t-shirt dress). And I love TALL heels. When I go to work in the café, I always put on a dress but the heels seem excessive there. So, I wear flats of some sort; I have a lot of shoes but not that many flats.

Was it really the shoes?

This morning, I threw on a dress, some tights, but couldn’t find the shoes I wanted to wear. So, I started digging through shoe boxes. Nothing. I realized I needed to leave or my son was going to be late for school. Instead of just grabbing any pair of shoes, I became obsessed with finding this particular pair. I had the idea of returning home to look for the shoes, and then, going to the café, but that wasn’t really practical. The café is near school but not my house. So, what did I do? I screamed, “I CAN’T FIND THESE STUPID SHOES!” I began systematically hurling each and every shoe out of my closet, claiming it would be easier to find the missing pair that way. When I still couldn’t find them, I entertained taking my son to school late. That seemed ridiculous. I then lay on the floor, and CRIED. I cried and cried, screaming, “What am I going to do?”

What was going through my mind, under the fit I was throwing was, “What kind of example are you setting for your son?!” But, I honestly couldn’t help myself!

Next, I started out the door in my bare feet. It was pouring rain. Pouring. I hesitated for a few minutes, then, grabbed some flip-flops. As my son and I piled in the car to go to school, I was bawling. My son was mostly silent during my fit. He’s one of the few people who’s seen me get angry before. In fact, he has an explosive temper, and we frequently discuss anger and emotions and how best to handle them. About halfway to school, I burst out laughing.

I said, “Wow, I really lost it over the shoes, didn’t I?”

He agreed. I told him that I’m not sure why I got so upset but we talked about how sometimes, we just need to let our anger out, and if we do it in a way that doesn’t hurt ourselves or others, it’s ok. He agreed and said he understood. He frequently tells me that when he gets really angry, it’s almost like he’s a different person, and no matter how much he tries, he can’t stop the anger.

Anger is healthy

I don’t have a good “handle” on anger. I know it’s a healthy human emotion. But, I hear people talking about “choosing” to be rational, or “choosing” diplomacy, and I wonder if that makes things worse? Do we “choose” to sublimate our anger so much that it comes out in weird ways, like pitching a fit over a pair of missing shoes? I never raise my voice to people, no matter how angry they make me. If I see they can’t be reasoned with, I often sit in silence, or even walk away. I’ve prided myself on my rationality. But, I don’t think it’s always been healthy for me, or even useful for others, especially when I discover that they have no idea when I’m upset with them.

I don’t have the answer to this. But, I do suspect that our many attempts to “control” anger actually backfire. Is there a way to train ourselves to express anger healthily? And, I don’t mean holding it in and going home and hitting pillows, or a boxing bag. Is there a way to let it out, in the moment? A way to release anger so that it doesn’t build into grudges or hate? (Would that actually prevent physical violence?) And, conversely, how can we learn to receive anger? To recognize it without judging it? To respond in an equally healthy way? I know, when my son is angry at me, I automatically want to reason with him. That never works; it makes him more angry.

I will say, as I sit here in the café, wearing my dress, my tights, and my flip-flops, I feel so peaceful and calm, as if I’d had a morning at the spa. And, all I did was let my emotions flow!

How do you own anger? What is the role of anger in your life? What are your thoughts about the positive aspects of anger? If we were to embrace its usefulness, would there actually be less anger in the world?

Jennifer
Astrologer, Educator &
Founder of FemCentral, the Virtual Institute for Women