When I walked out of the neurologist’s office, I knew my life would never be the same.  I had just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  I knew I couldn’t control the disease (or life for that matter), but I wondered what changes I could make.  How could I view this illness in a way that honored my body and spirit?

I went home and reached for Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.  Fifteen years later, I still clearly remembered the letters patients had written to AIDS. What I hadn’t clearly remembered was her recommendation to love your illness.  I wasn’t sure I could do that, but I knew I had to do something radical.  As Marianne writes “for a person diagnosed with a physical ailment, the call to change is imperative.”

The thing that resonated most strongly in Return to Love was the importance of not turning your body into a war zone. Marianne writes “the last thing a sick person needs is something else to hate about themselves.” But if not hate, then what? I could not muster love for MS, as she encourages. In the five months since my diagnosis, I still can't believe that it is the best thing that has happened in my life.  That may come in time, but until then how could I not hate, yet not love?

The Uninvited Guest

One morning it hit me.  MS -- or any other health issue -- be it cancer, diabetes, food allergies, etc., is like an uninvited guest; a distant family member or friend who appears at your door, suitcase in hand.

As with any guest, you are gracious. You feed them and provide them a place to stay.  You stock the refrigerator with their favorite beer.  Yet you yearn to have your house back.  You hate that they don’t have a departure date; that they leave their smelly socks around and occasionally send you to the hospital. You are unhappy they are here.

But over time, you adjust.  You try to establish boundaries around your guest’s behavior.  You get angry with them when they disturb your sleep or eat the last of the gluten-free cookies.  Yet, you are grateful when they fix the squeaky door.  It is a complicated relationship.

Cultivating A Peaceful Relationship

The day I was diagnosed I had a choice.  Prepare for battle or find a peaceful path.  Return to Love helped me understand that if I were to battle MS, I would surely lose my mojo. But if I viewed MS as a guest, albeit uninvited, I could live with vitality.

Instead of my enemy, MS has become a partner.  We put each other to work. It tells me when to slow down and I write or meditate. It takes a nap when I go to the pottery studio, so I can joyfully work. It has inspired me to return to yoga and to take retreats.  It has taught me to feed my body wholesome foods and get 8 hours of sleep a night.  Together we focus on healing my body and my spirit.  Together we maintain my mojo.

How do you think of the condition that ails you? Is your body a battleground? Or have you made peace with your condition?

Staying centered and loving,

Laurie