Probably the hardest thing that we deal with in our lives is doubt. Oh sure, we go through enormously difficult situations – we lose jobs, we lose loved ones, we get sick, the list of hardships can be mind boggling. But doubt is probably the most difficult hardship to conquer. It can literally come from nowhere and feel like the snake in the garden, winding itself sneakily through our joys and our confidences. It can attach itself to our best relationships and undermine our finest moments.

Doubt and Faith

Before his death, Socrates once described pleasure and pain as two sides of the same coin, saying that one could hardly live without the other. I wonder if we too easily cast doubt into the same pot as pain and disregard its enormous value to us as human beings. If we can accept doubt as part of our life process of faith, we can see that they are literally the yin and yang of one thing, rather than being at odds with one another.

I suppose that we much too easily believe that the opposite of love is hate or apathy. When, in truth, the element at odds with deep love is that undermining thread of doubt. Like the Buddha says, life is suffering, and if we can accept that it is so, we can simply ride the wave of life and love each part, each experience -- even the painful ones. They are part of our human adventure, and they make the beautiful all the more rich. And the wisdom and compassion that is born out of pain is immeasurable. So how can it be bad?

The waves of doubt in our love stories are no different. They are natural, they are human. We have not caused them, nor can we prevent them. But if we accept that this is as it should be, we can ride them. We can ride the ups and downs of our deep loves and know that they are beautiful and strong. The doubt is not bad.

Oceans

The truest loves, in fact, are not simply the waves -- they are the ocean. So deep and so strong that the tossing waves are only on the surface. Underneath, they are flowing, beautiful currents.

As human beings those waves of doubt will run through everything worth loving. They will run through our relationships, they will run through our efforts to love ourselves. They will ripple from our birth to our death, and even have the audacity to touch our experience with the Great Creator. We will doubt Its love for us and our own right to exist. We will wonder what this life IS.

If we are able, however, to ride those waves with some expertise, the depth of love is always there to enfold us. This is the yin and yang of love. IF we allow it, we will grow to know that it cannot exist except with a love worth doubting. We are supposed to question the things of worth. We are literally born to question life itself.

Love is the one thing that joins us. It leaps tall prejudice in a single bound. It conquers speeding apathy with a word. It breaks all threads of division – race, religion, nationality, sexuality – LOVE is the great bond rising above all of those things. So bring on the doubt. I will know you, doubt, by your fruit, and for that reason, I will welcome you.

True Love

So what does all of this have to do with ME? My love is the ocean, and her name is Kathleen, and I married her October 14th, 2008. The year that 18,000 couples were married in California before Proposition 8*. Gay marriage is an issue all over the world, and especially in the state where I live, California. Despite popular belief, being gay was not a choice. I was born gay. However, I doubted myself for years, tried to trick my brain out of it and hated myself for it. While I still have moments of fear about my sexuality, I would not trade my life or my wife for anything. We are one and She is my ocean.

Thank you Kathleen for every moment. Every doubt, every fear, every joy, every heartbeat. Everything.

How does doubt and fear manifest in your life? How have you learned to accept doubt, and how do you resist it? Have you experienced the fruits of your fear, the yang of of your yin? How do you balance your faith and your doubt? 

Welcoming you, 

Laura

*From Wikipedia: On August 4, 2010, federal judge Vaughn R. Walker declared the ban unconstitutional but has temporarily stayed his ruling. On August 6, 2010, both sides submitted legal briefs to Judge Walker arguing for or against a long-term stay of the ruling. On August 12, 2010, Judge Walker had scheduled to lift his stay. On August 16, 2010 9th Circuit Court of Appeals granted the motion to stay, ordered expedited briefing on the merits of the appeal, and directed the parties to brief the issue of why the appeal should not be dismissed for lack of standing. On August 17, 2010, the same Ninth Circuit panel ordered expedited briefing on the Imperial County appeal.the court also ordered both appeals calendared for oral argument during the week of December 6, 2010, in San Francisco.*Wikipedia-The status of same-sex marriage in California is unique among the fifty U.S. states, in that the state formerly granted marriage licenses to same-sex couples, but no longer does. The period of granting such licenses began on June 16, 2008, due to a ruling by the Supreme Court of California based on an equal protection argument and ended November 5, 2008, due to the passage of Proposition 8, an amendment to the California Constitution that limited marriages to those between one man and one woman. Before the passage of Proposition 8, California was only the second state to allow same-sex marriage. Marriages granted by any civil entity, foreign or otherwise, anytime before the passage of Proposition 8 remain legally recognized and retain full state-level marriage rights. Also, subsequent state legislation established that any same-sex marriages granted by other jurisdictions after the passage of Proposition 8 retain the state rights that come with marriage, except for the legal term "marriage" itself.

Same-sex marriage remains a contentious issue within the state, with same-sex marriage supporters trying to get another ballot initiative in the 2012 election to return the state to granting marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

(I hope and pray that someone reading this who is against gay marriage may have a different perspective. I am here to answer your questions, listen to your concerns and would love to know how you feel.)