In my last post I answered questions readers would like to ask a sex therapist about how you know if you’ve had an orgasm. In writing that post it occurred to me that I've only ever had a clitoral orgasm and I wanted to know if this was normal.

A big part of owning my sexuality has become exploring my sexuality. For the longest time I just assumed when I saw women in the media enjoying an orgasm, with their man writhing on top of them, that I must be missing something -- and was some kind of sexual goof. I mean why else would they moan so happily if they weren’t in ecstasy? Watching the movies you’d think the Freudian ideal of the woman getting off ‘cuz her man’s inside her was the only true, normal orgasm. But despite years of trying for a vaginal O, I ain’t there yet.

Every Orgasm is Unique

According to Lissa in What’s Up Down There?, I'm very normal. Vaginal orgasms only happens to about 30% of us. If you're in that 30% -- WAHOO. Time to celebrate! If you're in the other 70% with me, consider yourself exceedingly normal and, WAHOO, celebrate anyway! If you’re still struggling to have your first orgasm, check out my last post because maybe you’ve had one and just don’t know it, or watch for my next few posts, where I'll describe stuff that works for me and my readers. Whatever you do, enjoy your own experience because it’s totally yours and only you and your body have to like it for it to be normal and pleasurable.

One thing I’ve noticed since I started paying attention is that every orgasm I have is truly unique. While this can make it hard to define “normal”, even for myself, it is actually a gift because it makes exploring my sexuality a real adventure. I’ve even started rating them to help me keep them straight in my mind. I give a good, solid orgasm a ONE. I also have .5’s, .75’s and 1.5’s. Not sure I’ve ever had a 2.0, but I can always hope. This rating system has come in particularly handy when I manage to have multiple orgasms, because I add them up .

So How Many Kinds of Orgasm Are There?

Exploring orgasms more, I was intrigued to find out that Lou Paget, in her very thorough book, The Big O, describes TEN different types of orgasms women have reported (men only report seven). Here are the kinds of women's orgasms she reports:

• Clitoral
• Vaginal and Cervical
• G Spot
• U Spot (urethral)
• Breast/nipple
• Mouth
• Anal
• Blended/fusion (two or more at once)
• Zone (unique to the individual -- any part of their body!)
• Fantasy (it really is all in your mind!)

Reading her definitions, I think it's possible I've come close to a mouth, fantasy, and zone orgasm, but I don't think I've quite made it to the OTP -- the Orgasmic Tipping Point -- where my mind loses control of my body, which simply enjoys itself for a few seconds of bliss. Maybe I've had a blended experience or two... but mostly I'm kinda stuck on my clit as "old reliable."

But that's me. Other women I know have vaginal orgasms with regularity, and ejaculate too. And two women on the WTF? post noted that they orgasm so easily they have to stop themselves so as not to freak out their men early in the relationship. Here are a couple of quotes from these lucky ladies:

• I read that it usually takes a woman minutes, sometimes many of them, to reach orgasm. With the right stimulation, I can go from just excited to climax in 30 seconds, maybe? If my lover's hand remotely gets close to those parts, even when I'm dressed, it sends desire for him through me. (Tonna)
• When I'm dating a new guy and we are just kissing I have to sometimes make myself Not orgasm -- because I don't want to freak him out. (@mydevina)

While I think Tonna and Michelle are very lucky, they also raise the difficulty of being quick to orgasm and from such relatively light stimulation -- which is that they don't feel normal and find this a challenging subject with some of their lovers and girlfriends, who can't relate. Ladies, if the definition of "normal" is "the majority of women have this experience" then perhaps you are not normal in the dictionary sense -- but I've already tossed that book out when it comes to sex. I actually think you're more normal than you think you are. Let me say that on behalf of women everywhere -- YOU INSPIRE ME. The more I learn about female sexuality, the more I realize the possibilities and limitations are in our heads and I'm determined to open myself to achieving new experiences by learning what is possible. You are expanding my horizons. Thank you!

Opening My Mind AND My Legs (and so much more)

All this said, in the spirit of sexual exploration as the path to owning sexuality, I'm curious about vaginal and G-Spot orgasms and exploring more in those areas. I understand from reading that doing a lot of kegels can intensify any orgasm and is part of what can make a vaginal orgasm possible. I'm doing my kegels (about 60 a day when I remember) but haven't noticed any vaginal O tendencies yet. But I'm not giving up!

I still have hope because I didn’t used to be able to have multiple orgasms either, and taught myself! The secret turned out to be simply believing I could and exploring new sensations until they paid off in a second orgasm and then more. This hasn't worked yet for vaginal, but hey, if nothing else the research is fun!

One thing this research (book learning, porn perusing, and personal experimentation) is doing for me is helping me understand that what I had once thought of as a simple thing -- orgasming -- is anything but. And the more I open my mind to the possibilities of sensations in my body (even beyond what's between my legs) the more I experience really great stuff and the more I realize that I'm not the sexual doofus I thought I was for so long. The more I explore and learn, the more I realize I'm pretty darn normal, and I bet you are too.

So, stick with me. The next few posts will be highly orgasmic!

What's your experience with orgasms? Have you explored all ten types? What are your most common orgasmic experiences? What works best? What doesn't work? Any other questions? Please share and remember, I encourage anonymous comments so you can speak freely without worrying about having to self-sensor or otherwise worry about Google.