Just as with Mother’s Day, Father's Day is a day to celebrate, right? We have barbeques and kids buy cards with fishing gear on them to hand to Daddy as he lies in his hammock. We kiss, hug, send cards, and jam up the phone lines as we remember our own fathers. In a perfect world, Father's Day would be a day we could all celebrate.

But, as some of you may know, we don’t live in a perfect world. For some, Father's Day is a day people want to dig a hole and crawl in. It’s a day they wish they could fast forward through. It’s a day that makes them cringe as they watch all the happy people eating ribs and corn on the cob with children drawing pictures of Dad mowing the lawn.

I’m Blessed

I’m not one of those people. I’m blessed to have had a wonderful father who carried me on his shoulders, protected me from harm, inspired me to be who I am, and loved me unconditionally until he died too young five years ago.

But Many Aren’t

Many people didn’t grow up with amazing fathers. Many fathers were emotionally absent or just plain absent all together. As one of my friends said, “The world is full of assholes, and unfortunately, some of them reproduce.”

Jada

Jada grew up with four fathers; her biological father and three step-fathers. These four men had two things in common:  1) None of them behaved like fathers to Jada. 2) They were all alcoholics. While only one physically abused Jada, two of the others mentally abused her. Jada's biological father was wholly absent so that the damage he did was caused by his compete and utter absence. Jada has spent her adult life attaching to all men older than her in search of a father figure/role model. Needless to say most of her intimate relationships with men have failed.

Ouch.

Kelly

Kelly met her father when she was seventeen.  Almost an adult by the time she met him, she never had memories of sitting on her father's lap before bed or having him tuck her in at night.  Because her father was never a father figure to Kelly she got to know him adult-to-adult, meaning that there was no unconditional Daddy-love going on there.  She has come to the conclusion that if this man weren't her father, and she had just met him on the street, they would have no relationship. But he's not. He's her father, so she does the best she can to make room for him in her life, as awkward as it is sometimes.

Kelly is now thirty-five and her father is seventy and in poor health.  He realizes that his body is giving out and he missed much of Kelly's life.  He now makes great effort to take his thirty-five year old woman to the zoo, to fairs, anywhere really.  She's not interested in any of these things. He's full of regret. She's full of indifference. Father's Day is hard for her.

Elsie

Elsie's dad was the local big wig. He was the CEO-turned-mayor who ran for state Senate and sat on the boards of many nonprofit organizations. Throughout her childhood, when Elsie woke up in the morning, her father was already gone, and when she went to sleep at night, he usually hadn't come home yet. He missed her first days of school, her ballet recitals, the school plays, and although he did make it for her high school graduation, he was 45 minutes late.

It wasn't until Elsie went to college that her father started realizing how much he'd missed. When Elsie called home, he would pick up the phone and Elsie would ask to speak to her mother. When he asked her to share her secrets, she felt uncomfortable. After all, her father didn't really know her. She didn't really know him.

It Doesn’t Have To Be That Obvious To Be Ambivalent

Your father may not be as misguided as some of these fathers, but you may still find yourself ambivalent on this Father’s Day holiday. Many of us have had both tender and challenging experiences with our fathers, and this holiday may bring up memories of some of the challenges, which may lead to feelings of guilt. So I’m not suggesting that your father has to be the devil to lead to ambivalent feelings on Father’s Day.

It’s easy for lucky people like me to forget that those who grew up with fathers like Jada, Kelly, and Elsie, cringe every time Father’s Day rolls around. It’s yet another reminder that they weren’t blessed with the kinds of fathers we all dream of having in our lives.

If you feel this way today, this post is for you. This post is permission -- to cry, to scream, to regret, to get angry, to question God, to feel sorry for yourself -- whatever it is you feel. Feel your feelings, love. Let it all out. Release all that pent up ickiness you may feel. Cleanse your soul.

You Deserve To Be Loved

And now I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell you what I wish your father would write to you on this Father’s Day. So here it is.

Dearest YOU,

I know I haven't been the father I thought I would be. I did the best I could at the time, but it simply wasn't enough. And regrettably, you got hit with a lot of the shrapnel.

I know I wasn’t always there for you when you needed me. I know I blew it when you needed me most. I know I made selfish choices and often left you to fend for yourself. I know I disappointed you and hurt you, and it breaks my heart to even think about it. In fact, it’s so hard to face my own failings that I pull back. Or I lash out. Or I run away because I can’t face myself, much less that look on your face.

But I want you to know something, my precious. You are the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m beyond proud of you. I often feel like I don’t deserve you -- I know I don’t, in fact. But when I see who you’ve become, I know I was put on this Earth for a reason -- to bring you into this world so the world could be better because you’re in it.

You deserved a better father than me, my love. I wish I could have opened up and been there instead of being so emotionally distant.  I wish I could take it all back, open up, give of myself.  My job was to protect you.  All you wanted was for me to be there.  I wasn't. Not the way you deserved.

But instead, I will offer you this. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I won’t ask that. But I do hope you let go of the anger, hurt, betrayal, and loss -- for your sake, not mine. Please, my dear, you have big things to do in this world. People to love. Lives to touch. Big dreams to live out.

Don’t let me get in your way, darling. Cleanse your heart. Know that you are loving -- and lovable -- and safe. Know that the way I treated you was about me, not you. Know that I was taught not to show you emotion. But I should have laughed more, cried more, told you how I feel more. Because you, my love, are perfect. Perfect and beautiful and precious and dear -- just the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. Not a thing.

On this Father’s Day, I don’t want presents from you. Only one small thing -- I want you to be the YOUest of YOUs -- starting today. Drop the walls. Suck the water out of the moats you’ve erected. Take off your masks. Just be you, my dear. If you can do that, I will know my life mattered, even if I’ve made too many mistakes to count.

Please give me that gift. I expect nothing else. And I love you. I know you may not believe it. But I really do love you. Hold that in your heart, and please, let Father’s Day be a time of release, of renewal, of love for the person you have become.

Look what you overcame, beautiful. I’m so proud of you. May you be free and happy on this Father's Day.

With great love,

Your Dad

What does Father’s Day bring up for you? Please share your stories here, knowing, as always at Owning Pink, that you are safe, loved, and nurtured as you heal, connect, and thrive.

Taking you fishing, just you and me

Lissa

Lissa Rankin, MD: Founder of OwningPink.com, motivational speaker, and author of What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend and Encaustic Art: The Complete Guide To Creating Fine Art With Wax.