This is so funny. I just had a bit of an argument with my mother this afternoon. I'm 27 and moved back with my parents more than a year ago due to a personal/career crisis. Though I appreciate all that she does, every time she speaks, it's just so smug and condescending. I get it, you're experienced and wise and want to make sure I take the "right" path in life, but jeez, can't I just make my own decisions?? One argument and I turn into a moody teenager. Let me live my own life!! :) Ugh. Mommy issues indeed.

My mom and I are just alike in so many ways. I think that's why she brings out the worst in me sometimes. I get all bristly when she tells me what to think. Or when I think she's not keeping up with the conversation. Or when she's passing judgement on something I think she knows nothing about. And I know those are all my assumptions about her. I resent the hell out of it when I think she's doing the same thing to me.

I adore my mom, and miss her desparately when she goes back home (I live in MO, she's in Montana). But put us in the same room for more than a couple of days, and bam!

Maybe I'm a testament not only to how much she loves me, but how much she has influenced me, in both good and bad ways.

Oh what a long story this could be. But I will try to keep it simple. When I was a child, I felt neglected, unloved and resented. Parents were divorced early and mom was trying to find love in all the wrong places. When I was a teenager, I felt like I needed to prove that I could succeed without her, be better than her, and pull my way out on my own. After or during college I Finally forgave her, or so I thought. After college I moved back in and she was happy that she had someone helping with the bills. Then a couple years into the "real world" I got pregnant. Oh boy. For a while things were ugly. She resented the baby, my husband, and me. I had to plan my wedding with no help. I planned my baby shower by myself. When I came home with the baby, she would take naps instead of taking the baby so I could sleep. I needed help, I had post partum, I moved out. Then one day she had a massive heart attack, I had to take care of her. We seemed to have gotten closer again. I had another child, a girl, and my mom practically moved in. Things were great. or so I thought. We still fought. But I thought I needed her. I thought I would sink without her help. Any time I tried to assert my authority in my house, any time I disagreed, any time I had other plans she would threaten to not come back. Then one day I realized that my daughter was not being raised by me. That my son felt ignored by grandma's favoritism. My husband resented not having privacy. I didnt know where anything in my house was without calling her first. I felt like I was not in control of my own life and I had no friends. So I had a revolution. I broke up with my mother. I created my own structure. I had to completely undo the mess that my daughter has become ( undiciplined ), I had to lift my son back up, and reconnect with my husband. My mother swears that she saved me and she did it all for love. Maybe she did at the time. But I took my life back and she will never forgive me for it. She accuses me of having used her. But I drew the line and i am never turning back. When she comes over, I hover and any sign of her overstepping her boundries I jump on. I am also asserting my independence, and sometimes like this author in a bratty way. Sometimes I make issue out of things that others would shrug off. I pounce on stuff that is probably trivial. At this point we are barely speaking. I feel guilty. I feel like I really am the bitch she says I am. I feel like I am stealing her grandma years from her, and if she dies I will live in regret. She guilts me mercilessly. But she still does not respect me. She admits that she will never be able to play by my rules. I love her but I can't back down. It is too toxic. SO can anyone blame me?

There is no one I argue with like my mom. She is the only person I can be 100% moody and honest with, which leads to some heated arguments. There is also no one I love like my mom and no one I rely on like my mom. I think you are right. I feel safe being a brat or letting go and expressing my anger or frustration whole heartedly because I know my mom’s love is unconditional. Even after the yelling and the tears of a really good brutal argument there will still be laughter and love. A solution and resolution of the argument or just acknowledgement that I’m having a bad day or she’s having a bad day and that’s ok. My mom is fantastic. She can bring out the worst in me, but she taught me to be the best too.

My Mom and I are like oil and water. Sometimes I look at her and I can't believe she is my mother (and no I'm not adopted) because the way we approach life and our core beliefs are so totally different.

My Mom is very judgmental. She is one of those who always sits on the sidelines of life and yells things at the people who try to make a difference. She will never step up to the plate herself ... no it's much easier, safer and probably more fun to look down her nose and be critical of others. My Mom is one of those people who knows everything. No matter what someone's question or delimma may be, you can bet my Mom will not hesitate to expound on her opinion. This is a woman who goes to her doctor and gives the doctor her diagnosis and treatment plan. Oh and then there is politics. Mom is a die-hard Republican and she is so dismayed that her daughter and her granddaughter do not espouse or accept her opinions or her rhetoric. If a political conversation starts, we have learned to abruptly end it. It's just way safer that way.

Now that I've sufficiently trashed my Mom, let me tell you, I've lived just 2 blocks from my parents for the past 28 years. Mom will be 79 in March and the last year has seen a significant decline in her health. I'm 57 years old and I have finally figured out how to be around her without getting into it. Nodding meekly and not saying much works well. The next few years will be very interesting to say the least ... but I am determined to do whatever is necessary to help her ... the days of wanting to be right and proving her wrong (even though I know I can) are over. I know it and so does she.

My grandmother brought out the brat in me, and I am positive it was because I knew she loved me unconditionally. She never got mad. Never told me to behave. She just messed with my hair and let it slide. Every single time. She really just wanted me to eat some cookies and have some coffee. And she also insisted on me wearing my slippers along with a sun hat all summer long, every summer since I can remember. I wish I would have just drank the coffee, eaten the cookies and put the slippers on instead of always arguing with her about how too much coffee is bad, cookies are actually not good for you, and I really did not need to be wearing those slippers! But I always argued and that was the relationship we had. She died a year and a half ago and I wish I could still argue with her about those things.

Thanks for a great article. It made me think of my mormor and smile and cry :)