Anonymous and Leela-

Totally agree with Leela that you are completely normal - in both the respect that the vibe doesn't necessarily do it for you and that masturbating yourself to orgasm doesn't necessarily come easily to you. I'm actually planning a whole series of posts on orgasms because they're such a rich and varied topic. And Leela's exactly right, for most women it's as much (or more) mental than physical. I can tell you from my own experience that if I really want an orgasm, I don't bother with a vibrator and I get into my fantasy space, let my imagination go where it will (regardless of how "appropriate" it is - pfffft) and I can usually get myself to orgasm. That said, sometimes it's easier than others. Also, sometimes I have to remind myself of what it's felt like before when I did it and that's what puts me into the groove. Of course, sometimes it's not that difficult but when it is, I swear I feel like I'm doing a mental gymnastics dance to get off.

The best thing to do is take away all expectations and - as Leela said - just explore. Think of your body as an adventure and learn what YOU like best. Along those lines - take the pressure off to even reach orgasm. Look at it as an opportunity to just enjoy any kind of self-pleasure. I wrote a post about this very thing. Check it out: http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/how-to-accept-the-gift-of-se....

Thanks for being brave enough to post here and feel free to come back and let us know how it's going for you!

I *can* during sex with someone. But not masturbating with or without a vibrator. I know I can orgasm but I'm not dating anyone right now and I'd really like to be able to do this on my own, you know? Why can everyone else get off with a vibrator and I can't??

Panda! Great question! And Leela and Michelle are right on in their responses. You are SO normal! I don't say this just from personal experience (my fantasies are all over the map!), but from scientific studies that show that women are often physically aroused by the sensuality of other women even when they're not aware of it, or interested in a physical relationship with them. Let's face it - women's bodies are hot! and beautiful! and touchable! and yummy to dream about. Why WOULDN'T we find each other sexy when we are in fantasy mode? And why wouldn't some of us want to go beyond fantasy? It all makes perfect sense to me. I plan a whole post about fantasies, in addition to one about fantasizing about women - there's just so much there to explore. Here's my basic thought on your question - it's YOUR fantasy. it turns YOU on. Don't be worried or embarrassed, go with it, follow it to see where it leads you. As Leela and Michelle said, you will most likely learn more about your own sexual preferences and tastes and that's all good. If there is something in there you want to share with your husband, all the better. Most men I know love the idea of women together, maybe it will turn him on too! So yeah. Great question. Thanks for adding it and I hope after this discussion you're feeling completely and totally kick-ass normal!

Great conversation on sex toys! I love everyone's answers so far. I must say I'm in the "buy it and try it" category. I try to buy them cheap to get a sense of what I like and what works before I spend big bucks. But I have to say that I've never found a toy that does it like my hand, so it's largely a novelty act for me at the moment. I'm not necessarily giving up, but I just find that the mind-body connection for me is the most sensual and stimulating. But I love the idea of a sex toy post to include links to favorite toys and advice on figuring out what you like. Any more ideas, post them or email them and I'll compile them into some awesome play toy advice.

Michelle - thanks for joining the conversation. Took a look at your blog and comment it to anyone interested in multiple orgasms (http://mydevina.com/2010/12/my-quest-for-the-multiple-orgasm/). I second all your advice and insights. I plan to write a post on it and will link to your post if you don't mind. It's fabulous.

I plan to update my post above to include the new questions you've asked and add some links as resources. Keep the questions and experiences coming through!

Jessie, thank you so much for those links. I really appreciate it. I have ordered a copy of Dr. Lissa's book, but it has not arrived yet. I could seriously relate to the post about "the Whooshing O." As I said in an earlier post, I felt like a freak show in bed too, sometimes still do, though nothing like before. When I first experience the ejaculation issue, me and my BF at the time both freaked. I learned to hold it back. However, the most recent guy I was with fully embraced it. The first time it happened, his words to me were, "That's fucking amazing," and he sounded so damn happy about it. I can't tell you the affirmation, confidence, and freedom it gave me to be with a man who not only accepted it, but loved that it happened.

Pattie, I always thought I was relaxed when I was masturbating, but you've given me some food for thought. Maybe, because of the frustrating experiences I've had with it over the years, I'm more closed-minded? I'll have to be more conscious of my state of mind and body next time I try that.

OK, one more question. Sorry, Jessie, I just keep thinking of these. Not trying to dominate the board. How do you ladies go about buying sex toys? Not so much where do you get them, but how do you know what's right for you? It's natural that different things work for different people. But a sex toy doesn't seem like something you can just send back or return because you don't like it. So, it seems like you'd be gambling your money on something that may or may not work for you. I'm curious about toys, but I'm also on a limited income. How did any of you go about finding sex toys that worked for you without dropping a pretty penny on ones that didn't?

Pattie, I fully understand the fear that you've peed when you ejaculate. That was my fear when I first started experiencing it. I'd been active since I was 21, but didn't start doing the squirting thing till I was about 27. Of course, that's also when my orgasms started geting more intense. But it didn't help that the guy I was with, like myself, had always thought female ejaculation was only a myth propogated by the porn industry, so we both thought it was pee. Pretty scary and humiliating till you understand it.

Jessie and others, one more question. So, I can have this great sex life...when I'm with a partner. when I'm not dating or active with anyone, that's another deal. Masturbating just doesn't do it for me. Never has, even when I was a teen. I can get myself really excited, just to the edge of orgasm, but not over. So then all I've done is frustrated the hell out of myself, and made myself want it more than I did before I masturbated in the first place. Any suggestions on how to fix this issue so I don't climb the walls when I don't have a partner?

Pattie, I'll chime in with my gynecologist What's Up Down There hat on to help Jessie out.

From what women tell me, the answer is YES. You can ejaculate from the urethra something that is not necessarily pee, and it can come before or during orgasm. One woman I met on the road was a lesbian and swears she can make any woman ejaculate- that it's pure mechanics of rubbing the G spot and having the glands in that area release- and that it's not always associated with orgasm.

So congratulations, you're normal! Celebrate your wetness! Embrace your body and your pleasure. WOOT!

And Jessie, bless you for getting this rocking conversation started. Keep up the Vagina Dialogues!

Hey, Ladies, keep those questions coming:)

Anon 3-I do know that different size vaginas are the norm (cuz I read Lissa's book!) but the 'early ejaculation' issue (in the guy) is new to me. I'll try to do some research on it, but my suggestion is that you warn your lovers so they can plan ahead and not put so much expectation for all their pleasure into the act of intercourse itself. I've found in my own experience that its easy for couples to get focused on foreplay as the 'warm up' to the 'main course' (intercourse), which puts alot of pressure on intercourse to be boffo. You can use your special gift as an excuse to talk your lovers into more foreplay and non vaginal stimulation before entering you, an excuse to experiment, if you will!

Tonna. Woo, hoo! Sounds like your 'problems' are truly gifts. I can see why you feel different but based on what I've read, you're very normal. While most women don't come from vaginal intercourse, about a quarter of women do... Similar stats for female ejaculation as I recall. Of course some guys won't like it - cuz there's always some people that don't like everything - but over all I'd say you have a lot to be thankful for. I think most of us feel insecure about our sexual experience for a whole lot of reasons no matter what our experience. It's a very intimate act where we're simultaneously vulnerable and powerful on a lot of levels. And to add to our insecurities we tend not to talk to others about it so we really don't know what's 'normal' (if there is such a thing which I'm beginning to doubt). I'lll do a little more research and try to see if I can find out more on your question, but it sounds to me like you have a good attitude about it already. Just accept your gifts and enjoy the hell out of them!

I've been told I have sexual "problems" many women would die to have, but in some ways, I still feel very weird about it. Almost everything I read about women and their sexual behaviors does not apply to me. I read that it usually takes a woman minutes, sometimes many of them, to reach orgasm. with the right stimulation, I can go from just excited to climax in 30 seconds, maybe? If my lover's hand remotely gets close to those parts, even when I'm dressed, it sends desire for him through me. I've recently learned that females ejaculating some fluid during orgasm is not a myth, but still I feel I'm weird because this does happen to me, , and i've never met another woman who has this. I read about how most women cannot achieve orgasm during intercourse, cuz penetration just doesn't do it for them. Yet some of my strongest orgasms are vaginal ones. Seems like so many problems in relationships are caused because the guy wants more sex than the girl. I have the opposite problem. My drive is higher than many of the men I've dated. Most loved that, the most recent one I dated did not. In some ways, I'm proud of these differences about me. I'm good, and I know I am. But in others, I'm very insecure, and feel like a freak, and not in the good way. Many of these things should be good, so why do I feel so insecure because I am so different?

I've been told by more than one sexual partner that my vagina is very tight. This would seem to be a good thing but they end up ejaculating very quickly and then they usually attribute this to the fact that they didn't expect my vagina to be so tight. It's not that I'm not relaxed or anything because I'm having a good time too, until they orgasm way before I'm ready! Some men have said this in an accusatory way and others have delighted in it but still, they cum too quickly. :( Is my vagina too tight?

Anon 2

Oooo, baby. Good for you for taking yourself to new heights. One of the secrets of my happy sex life -recently, it took me a while to figure this out - has been taking the burden for my sexual pleasure off the guys. I do understand what you are feeling about the guilt, I've been there, but why should making yourself happy sexually (alone, not affecting anyone else) be any different than giving yourself some other kind of treat - a trip to the salon or a hike in a beautiful forest? Gluttonous? Think of all the calories you're saving this way! You're actually burning them!

I'll give this more thought and snoop around for resources and others who've written about masturbation and guilt, but I have one suggestion for you now. Find a time when you can give yourself a little treat without too much guilt, take a wam bath or a long walk with your favorite music in your headphones - whatever makes you happy - and then masturbate with the intention of giving yourself a little gift, just for fun to make you feel good. When the guilties come up, let them go JUST TO SEE WHAT IT FEEL LIKE. You can always let them back in later, but for this time, try on the feeling of pure enjoyment and see what happens when you let yourself have it. I'm betting the sky won't fall and you'll end up with a smile on your face. And I bet it will be a lovely smile. Report back! Thanks so much for your question. It's a good one many of us wrestle with.

Lissa - BOOM!

Thanks, Anon, for that great question. I feel pretty comfortable saying "yes, you're perfectly normal" (cuz, hey, I have the same issue and I like to think I'm normal) but I will write a post about this because from what I've read there's more to it than just the position of your 'hot spot' (LOVE THAT!). Watch out for that post and thanks for putting it out there. I guarantee we're not the only ones scratching our heads over this.

Sheena- you are my new heroine. You say you're shy about this but you just ADMITTED it, and that's huge and so much more than a lot of women do. So many of us (myself included until too recently) just sorta don't think about it, talk about it or OWN their sexuality at all. You, my lady, are on your way! Suggestion? Take out a pen and paper and jot down a few questions. Then you can burn it or shred it if you want, but the mere act of writing it out will move you even closer to owning this important part of yourself. And if you're feeling brave afterwords, email me questions (I am SO anonymous, I promise no one will know it's you - ever!) or post them here anonymously. I can promise you that you're not the only one out there with these curiosities. Your question just might be what someone else needs to know. Or... Just burn them.

Thank you, ladies. This is going to be SO fun!