Greetings, Pinkies! Today we are beyond thrilled to publish the full introduction of Lissa's book What's Up Down There? Questions You'd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend in anticipation of the book's launch on September 28 (more info below). Enjoy!

Introduction: Let's Talk About Coochies and Boobs

Brrrrringgggg….The phone rings. Caller ID says it’s Chloe. I pick up.

All I hear are giggles. Then a snort, followed by a cackle.

“Chloe?” I say.

Chloe snorts again.  I shake my head and smile.

I hear someone yell, “Don’t say vagina so loud!”

They’ve done this before. Chloe and Piper are in Manhattan celebrating some girl time away from the kids, obviously talking about sex over a few cocktails. Whenever they think up questions about their girl parts, they call me. They are my best friends, and I am a gynecologist. 

The questions (and the bets)

A clanking noise indicates that Chloe must have dropped the phone. Then I hear Piper’s voice. She says, “We’ve made a bet, and you gotta help us out.  If a woman squirts fluid when she has an orgasm, is it pee?”

They collapse into a fit of giggles again, and I wish my job didn’t keep me from zipping off to New York on a girl bonding lark. I want to be with them, leaning on each other for information and support, broaching topics most people don’t dare venture near.

I answer the question. Piper wins the bet. We air kiss into the phone – “Mmmwhah!” – and hang up.

Five minutes later, the phone rings again. It’s Piper.

“Is it true that your uterus can fall all the way out of your vagina and wind up hanging between your legs?”

I answer the question. This time, Chloe wins the bet.

Ten minutes pass. Brrrriiing. Chloe fires off more questions. “Why is it that my crotch smells like fish sometimes?” “Why do boobs get smaller when you breastfeed?” “How come I have a droopy box since I gave birth?” They put me on speakerphone so that it feels more like I am there, sipping a glass of wine with my girls in a swanky Manhattan bar, instead of sitting at home with my beeper on.

BFF Gyno

Chloe and Piper like to brag about having a gynecologist on call 24/ 7. In addition to being their friend, I’ve delivered their babies, performed their Pap smears, and helped them with issues ranging from postpartum blues to pelvic prolapse. It’s a role I’m proud to play. 

When Chloe and Piper returned from New York, we sat together with our significant others over shrimp Caesar salads. Chloe, always the rabble rouser trying to embarrass the guys, asked, “Have you ever heard of a gynecologist finding something weird stuck up someone’s vagina?”

So, mid-salad bite, I answered the question. Yup. You can bet I’ve seen my share of stuff stuck in vaginas. Although actually, the up-the-butt stuff tends to be way more common. (“Really, Doc, I swear, I fell on that Lysol can/gerbil/cucumber/toothpaste tube.”) Although there are many colorful answers, one came to mind instantly. The guys at the table rolled their eyes, but everyone put down their forks, riveted.

Mildred uses her vagina like a purse.

It was 3 a.m., and Mildred, a frequent flyer to our ER, showed up for the umpteenth time complaining of pain in her “passion flower.” The ER paged me, the gynecologist on call, to come see her. Since I had not met Mildred before, the nurse felt compelled to warn me before I started the pelvic examination. “Just so you know,” she said, “Mildred uses her vagina like a purse.”

Thinking the nurse was euphemistically informing me that Mildred was a prostitute, I asked how long she’d been hooking. The nurse explained, “No, she’s not a prostitute. She literally uses her vagina like a purse. She stuff it with money, Motrin, keys … you know, purse stuff.”

I went to see Mildred, who politely shook my hand. “Oh, hi Doc,” she said. “Let me get ‘er ready for ya, sweetie.” She then proceeded to pull down her pants and begin yanking things out of her vagina like it was Mary Poppins’ magic carpet bag (or, in this case, carpet box). There was a plastic baggie of pills, a wad of bills, a tube of lipstick, a pen. Half expecting her to pull out a red scarf that magically turns into a bouquet of flowers, I was on the verge of busting out laughing, when I suddenly realized that there was something very wrong with this picture.

It’s tempting to laugh when gynecologists tell vagina stories. But sitting in that room with Mildred, I realized that something tragic probably happened that made Mildred think using her vagina as a handbag was a good idea. My heart filled with compassion for her, and when I asked her flat out whether she had a history of sexual abuse, she put her head on my chest and cried like the eight-year old she was when she was first violated. She admitted that she hated her “passion flower” and figured, since it had done nothing but bring her trouble, she might as well put it to good use. After our early-morning chat about owning and respecting her beautiful, sacred yoni, Mildred swore she would buy a purse and save her passion flower for the purposes God intended. God only knows what happened to her, but my heart still aches to think of her.

What's Up Down There?

With this book, I’m not trying to gross you out or make you lose your appetite for shrimp Caesar salad. Nor is my primary goal to elicit giggles (though you will laugh plenty – as you can see, we gynecologists have some stories!). Instead, I aim to quit skirting the issues, the way many doctors do. I’m not going to tell you the “safe” answer or hedge my bets. I’m not going to worry whether insurance companies will agree with my recommendations or whether lawyers will sue me. I’m just going to talk to you like a friend, someone you can trust to tell it to you straight.

While my girlfriends get to indulge every question they’ve ever had about coochies, boobs, sex, butts, and women’s health – usually giggling with me over a glass of wine – most women don’t have a gynecologist at their beck and call, and end up talking amongst themselves, often perpetuating myths and repeating misinformation. This book aims to bridge the chasm between the questions real women have and the answers a gynecologist would give you after she took off her white coat and sat down with you over a cup of coffee (or a cocktail). 

Most of all, I’m going to approach your intimate questions the way I think we should all practice medicine -- by practicing love, with a little bit of medicine on the side. What does love have to do with gynecology? Everything. Trust me on this.  When we approach our bodies with love, acceptance, and nurturing kindness, we pave the way for magic to unfold, the kind of magic I’m blessed to witness every day. So spread your legs and open your heart. Let’s explore together what it means to be truly, wholly, and authentically female. You might even discover that being open to the part of you with the capacity to give birth just might help you give birth to YOU.

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What's Up Down There? Questions You'd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend hits the shelves on September 28! Help us reach our goal of 5,000 books sold in the first week by pre-ordering your copy now. Want to get receive a special newsletter with the inside scoop on Lissa's journey in writing the book, the Fall Book Tour, and lots of other goodies? Join TEAM PINK and serve on the frontlines of the What's Up Down There movement, and be sure to visit the What's Up Down There? blog to sample questions like those answered in the book!

Feature photo: photoxpress.com