Dan Aronie, our newest angel
Introducing Our Newest Angel
I’m wiping tears right now, Pinkies.
Pink Sage & Writing Genius Nancy Aronie’s dear son Dan died today. He was way too young, but after a long journey with multiple sclerosis, he has left this life for the next. When I heard the news, the floodgates opened, not just for Nancy’s loss, but for my own. Hearing her news brought me back two years, to the writing workshop I took with Nancy at Esalen Institute, where I met Pink Editor-in-Chief Joy, nearly a lifetime ago.
Holding Space For Loss
At the workshop, Nancy invited us to watch a documentary that was made about her son- his struggles, his path, how he overcame anger, resentment, and disability to find laughter, joy, and peace. I was hesitant to watch it. My own father had multiple sclerosis from a young age, and the wounds of losing him were still raw and bleeding. I wasn’t sure I could cope with what might come up if I witnessed Dan’s journey. But the amazing people in my workshop promised to hold me while we watched it together. One even went out and bought bottles of red wine so we could numb ourselves if necessary.
As Nancy prepared the DVD for viewing, the lovely beings in my class surrounded me with boxes of tissues and then guided me to the center of the room, where they huddled around me, touching me from all sides- a knee brushing mine, a head resting on my shoulder, an arm over my shoulder, a hand holding mine. Before Nancy pushed play, I started to cry, and the Posse of people gathered in closer. More hands touched me. I felt held.
As I watched Dan’s story, a story of loss, of disappointment, of dreams dashed, then of hope, triumph, healing, and the resilience of the human spirit, I cried. I felt deeply. I wept for the loss of my father, for Dan’s loss of physical strength, for Nancy’s loss of a healthy child. But I also cried with joy for the tenderness of the hands holding me, the feeling of safety that allowed me to sit among a group of people I had known for a mere three days, the beauty of true feelings expressed fully.
You Are Never Alone
By the time the movie was over, I felt fully embraced in the arms of those in that room- and I don’t think I was alone in feeling that way. Others cried. Other felt embraced. Dan invited all of us to experience loss with him, knowing we were safe in the arms of people we could trust. He guided us, showing us how much you can lose and still retain your spirit. He planted the seeds for what has become Owning Pink. He taught me what it means to be held, to be nurtured, to be cherished, to feel safe. Watching his movie that night taught me the value of community, the healing power of being held by those you can trust, the communal cleansing that happens when we live in love and feel the truth. Owning Pink began to gestate. Nancy and the people in her workshop taught how it’s possible to love people you don’t even know, when you open your heart fully. That group was the first Pink Posse.
(((((((((((((((Being Held))))))))))))))))))))))
A few months later, green shoots began to sprout from the fertile earth of that night. And almost exactly a year to the date later, Owning Pink was born. Very quickly, Pinkies flocked to the site like moths to flame. When Joy and I started Owning Pink, our mission statement was simple- “We want Owning Pink to invite people to go to that place of pain, knowing they are loved, safe, and nurtured.” Just like that night at Dan’s movie, I wanted people to feel empowered to face what hurts, while being held by many hands. The Pinkies quickly figured this out and started hugging each other with this symbol (((((((((((Pinkies)))))))))))))). Only today, Pink Goddess Dana pointed out that maybe this isn’t a hug, per se, as I had been thinking. Maybe it’s all those arms, just like the night of Dan’s movie, holding each Pinkie. I think she’s right. It’s about being held- fully, deeply, wholly.
Seeing Loss With Fresh Eyes
Just last night, I was at UCSF Medical School, taking Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen’s class “The Healer’s Art.” The subject of this week’s session was LOSS. Rachel reminded us that we are trained from early on to think that loss is bad, that LOSS=LOSER. But she says our losses do not diminish us. Loss is neutral. It’s the stories we tell ourselves- about life, love, other people, ourselves- that lead to suffering. Those stories expand or contract the quality of the lives we lead. She says that people rarely meet with loss in a genuine way- usually it’s “Let’s put this behind us and move on.” But loss is part of life. It’s a moment of truth, where we are invited to have a deeper knowledge of ourselves and others. She says the most common response to the loss of another person is to try to “fix” it, but fixing isn’t large enough for loss or for life. Rachel says, “Many things happen that are not fixable. But many things that can’t be fixed can still be healed. The goal in life is not to prevent loss but to meet loss in ways that are healing.”
I say, “Amen, sister.”
Reaching Out Without Trying to FIX Anything
And so, here I sit, grieving the loss of Dan, longing to ease Nancy’s pain, not quite sure what to say. And so I wrote her an email that read:
My heart is with you.
I hold you and sit silently with your loss.
Please know I am here for you- for anything.
Heaven just got really friggin’ lucky, love. Angels smiling everywhere.
What else can you say? But it turns out this is enough. It’s not our job to “fix” loss. Loss doesn’t need to be fixed. It just needs to be honored, to be held, to be witnessed with love, to be held with 16 hands in a circle and a box of Kleenex in between.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO
Do you see what I’m getting at, Pinkies? This is what we do. Joy just waxed poetic about this a few days ago, when a light bulb went off in her head and she suddenly realized that THIS IS WHAT WE DO. We just hold the space. We sit silently with each other’s stories. We hold each other.
What about you, Pinkies? How do you deal with loss? When you’ve suffered a loss, whether it’s the loss of a relationship, a dream, an object, your health, or a loved one, what have others done that helps you? What doesn’t help? How can we be more present for each other, to make this space even more healing? How can we be with loss, without trying to fix it?
Celebrating with the angels for Dan’s new life, and holding you (((((((((((((((((((((((Pinkies)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
And especially you, ((((((((((((((((Nancy)))))))))))))))))))
Lissa
PS. To see Dan’s film, A Certain Kind of Beauty, the one I saw at Nancy’s workshop, click here.
For those who wish to honor Dan Aronie, the family asks that you donate to a foundation on Martha’s Vineyard that helped Dan.
If you’d like, send your donation to:
You’ve got a Friend Foundation
PO box 1317
West Tisbury MA 02575
l 508 693 7733
Thank you Pinkies!
Dan, as a young stud:
Dan, as an angel-in-training in 2007
