Owning Your Emotions

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Owning Emotions: The Compulsion to Comfort

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Who doesn’t love a good cry?

Turns out a lot of people don’t. Of course, there are safe spaces where we can own our tears … workshops, retreats, support groups, the Pink Posse. But there is still much of the world where the sight of someone crying will send an entire room into a silent panic.

You’ve been there. You’re sitting at a meeting table at work, or standing in line at a store, or hanging out at home. You are fatigued, frustrated, moved, or overwhelmed. You surrender to your emotions. Tears begin to flow.

Suddenly, everyone else in the room stops breathing. They look away. Talk amongst themselves. Pretend it’s not happening. Or worse yet …

They tell you to stop.

“Don’t cry,” they say, out of a desire to comfort and support you. And as loving as the gesture may be, it is not about you feeling better … it’s about them feeling better. Your tears make them uncomfortable. Stop. They say. Don’t cry.

Why? What is it about crying that freaks people out? Where in our evolution did it stop being okay to have our feelings? These of course are rhetorical questions, age-old and contemplated and theorized to death. And really, the “why” isn’t important. What is important is to own our feelings, and make it okay for others to own theirs.

Aliveness ≠ joy

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the past year is that being fully alive doesn’t mean being happy all the time. To be human is to have the full gambit of experiences and emotions. Kind of like the seasons, cycling through times that are more challenging to get to the bright spots makes life richer and, dare I say, a bit more fun.

Plus, the only way past any experience is through it – not around it. If we stifle tears, rage, grief, sorrow, or even joy – it’s going to lurk, distract us, even make us sick – until we acknowledge and HAVE the emotion. If we grew up this way (many of us did), there is so much stored in our bodies and psyches, affecting us in ways of which we’re not even aware. How much easier would this be if we simply gave ourselves and others permission to let out whatever’s going to come anyway?

Holding space

As part of our commitment to seeing each other with magical eyes, next time you’re in the company of someone who’s having some emotion – no matter where or when or how “appropriate” or not it is – I invite you to simply hold space for them. Don’t try to comfort them, tell them it will be okay, suggest that they stop crying, or even pass them a tissue. But don’t turn away or pretend like it’s not happening, either. Simply be there. Depending on who it is, a hug might be welcome, or a held hand. Let your intuition tell you what is needed.

How does that feel, Pinkies, to know that it’s actually not your responsibility to make anyone feel “better?” That being the kind and loving spirit you already are is enough – more than enough? How much more space might you hold, knowing that you don’t have to manically run around inside that space trying to make everything okay?

Letting you do your thing (and loving you all the more for it),
Joy

Tags: crying, emotions, holding space, relationships, surrender
Posted in Owning Surrender, Owning Your Emotions, Owning Your Intuition, Personal Empowerment | 9 Comments »

Releasing Regrets and Accepting the Past

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Dearest Pinkies, please welcome back the one and only Stacey Curnow of Midwife for your Life. She wrote the below post inspired by this discussion on the Pink Effect Posse Page – how do we use Magical Eyes on those who may have hurt us deeply? As always, Stacey’s wisdom comes at just the right time. Thank you as always, Stacey!

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Relationships Gone “Bad”

One of my clients is haunted by the memory of a former lover. She wonders how she allowed such a “bad” relationship to go on for so long. Of course she did the best she could with the awareness she had at the time. But now she has 20/20 hindsight.

We’ve all been in her shoes. We wish we could’ve been more conscious, more able to act on the signs that things were not going well, and avoided the “bad” thing that happened. But when we focus on the past, we ignore the clarity that is available to us right now, and the insight that can help guide us to an even better place.

That shift in focus from the past to the present to the future takes some effort. Blaming the other person is much easier, of course. And we can also pretend that we were duped or unconscious the whole time. But we are much more likely to find peace—as well as some benefit from the experience—if we withhold this kind of judgment.

A Different Perspective

So if you’re looking back on a bad experience or relationship and blaming yourself or someone else, try this instead. Rather than looking at the person with whom you had the conflict as the enemy, try to look at him as an old war buddy. You shared a tough time, but you got through it. You did your best under hazardous conditions, and now you can recount your “war stories” without any remorse that things should have been different. Just accept that they happened and simply move on.

Do you feel some resistance to letting this person — a partner, friend, family member, or even a past you — off so easily? Then perhaps consider that when you choose to forgive someone whose behavior hurt you, you do yourself a huge favor. Someone once said that holding on to resentment is like eating rat poison and hoping the rat will die. You could release the hurt, anger and sense of betrayal not because the person “deserves” it, but because you will feel better when you do. If forgiveness is out of reach right now, then just don’t think about it. Refuse to think or talk about what happened until you can look at the topic with some equanimity. The less you return to the painful memories, the sooner that time will come.

I’m not saying you should condone the behavior that hurt you. And I’m certainly not saying you should jump back in the foxhole with your old war buddy. I’m just saying that when you can accept what happened—which means, more than anything else, that you understand that what happened truly did happen in a past you can’t change—then you’ll start to move on. And where are you going? You are moving forward on the path in front of you, right here, right now. Just start moving. And forget about figuring out what happened in the past “so as not to repeat it.” You don’t even have to feel like you “learned a lesson” or you got a “gift” from a relationship, or even any new skills or tools. You just have to start paying attention right now.

New Patterns of Thought

But how can you be sure that history won’t repeat itself? Again, the answer is simple, and lays the past to rest by keeping you in the present. Just learn to notice when things are out of balance in your life. And how will you know? There’s a built in signal that will always let you know when things are out of balance. It’s called stress. You want to take your awareness of the stressful feeling and try to find the stressful thought that is creating it. From there try to identify a thought that feels better. It may take some practice, but you will get better at it.

And when you consistently engage in the practice of identifying your stressful, negative thoughts and find alternative, better-feeling thoughts research shows that you are creating new neural pathways that will lead to long lasting benefits, like decreased anxiety and depression, and increased satisfaction and happiness. Bottom line: you will change, and as a consequence your world will change for the better, too.

Not everyone gets to make a new world. But people who want to put their past behind them have a golden opportunity to do so. And that is a gift. You can thank your old war buddy for it the next time you see him.

What do you think, Pinkies? Have you been able to let go of old wounds inflicted by others? What do you still carry with you? How is it affecting you? What is stopping you from releasing it, or shifting your focus?

At war no more,
Stacey

Tags: balance, forgiveness, magical eyes, relationships, stress
Posted in Guest Pinkies, Owning Joy After Loss, Owning Surrender, Owning Your Emotions, Owning change, Personal Empowerment | 28 Comments »

Hope Theory: Why Hope is More Powerful Than You Think

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

Dear Pinkies, please welcome back brilliant writer, midwife, and Pink Goddess Stacey Curnow, here with some inspiring – and informative! – words about hope.

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Lissa wrote a post recently about resilience and asked what it means to be resilient. I commented that I think resilience is an amazing alchemy of courage, strength, love and hope. And I also think hope is as challenging to define as resilience!

You see, I’ve been thinking a lot about hope – what Emily Dickenson called “the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops…at all.”

Hope even drove Barack Obama’s successful bid to become president…but what IS it? Please read on as I explore this fascinating emotion and why exercising it is as vital to our happiness as exercising our hearts is vital to our cardiovascular health. I’d love to hear what you think!

What Hope Is

Hope is not just some ephemeral emotion. Nor is it the abstract one-size-fits-all concept put to work in poetry and political campaigns. It’s actually a deeply felt neurochemical stance that our minds take toward our current circumstances – a stance that alters our outlooks and our actions, as well as the life paths that unfold before us.

Clinical psychologist Rick Snyder of the University of Kansas has developed what he calls the “hope theory.” This theory assumes that human behavior is primarily driven by the pursuit of goals and suggests that hope comes out of a synthesis of two components that are vital for meeting our goals successfully. In scientific literature these components — actually two types of thinking — are called “pathways” and “agency” thinking.

Pathways thinking is the organizational aspect of hope. It grows out of our perceived ability to identify the necessary paths for achieving a desired goal (i.e., how to get from point A to point B). “Agency” thinking drives us along these pathways, and grows out of our perceptions of our ability to use them to achieve our goals (i.e. what compels us to act).

Hope theory is significant because it recognizes the individual as the primary source of the energy and planning that moves us from dreams to desired outcomes. What’s more, it provides an explanation for the fact that in numerous studies, whether or not a person has hope has been shown to play a significant role in whether they produce favorable outcomes from the situations in which they find themselves.

What Hope Does

This research dovetails with other findings that higher levels of hope not only lead to achievement of goals, but an increased sense of wellbeing. According to clinical psychologist Barbara Fredrickson of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, hopefulness is not just a reflection of optimal functioning – it actually produces it, both broadening a person’s mindset so that novel and creative responses are more likely and building resiliency to prepare for the future.

Hope arises precisely within those moments when fear, hopelessness or despair seem most likely. Perhaps you’ve just lost a job or a relationship, and your future prospects seem grim and your initial reaction is to shut down. But it is in those dark moments that it is most important to turn to hope. Because without hope, we’re much less likely to find a way out.

Developing Your “Hope Muscles”

But what if you’re having trouble finding hope? For most people having hope is like breathing, it just comes naturally and they don’t even have to think about being hopeful. For others, though, it may take some practice. However, like any skill it will get easier and yield better results with time.

So if you’re having trouble believing you can find a way out, here is a way to help you develop your “hope muscles.” Before you start, though, keep in mind that “hope theory” suggests that the quality of a goal—its likelihood of being met—depends on whether one can be reasonably happy and hopeful about the outcome.

Goals that are too easily achieved (like watching television all day) do not lead to developing suitable pathways or require high levels of agency for achieving them and are not likely to lead to happiness. The same is true for those who set unreasonable goals. Snyder believes that goals should be challenging, yet achievable in order to lead to high levels of hope and an ultimate sense of satisfaction and happiness.

With that in mind, here are four steps to help you practice your hope skills:

1) Set a goal and imagine new opportunities that will allow you to meet it. This is called possibility thinking and is a key to making progress.

2) Work slowly but steadily toward your goal. (Even if the “new opportunity” mentioned above hasn’t shown up yet!)

3) Talk with people who seem hopeful about their future, a counselor or a coach. Sometimes you need another perspective to see smart new opportunities and these people are just the ones who will help you find them.

4) Treat yourself well. Hope flourishes – and everything looks better – when you are taking care of yourself.

The Power of Choosing Hope

The moment you choose to hope it literally opens you up. It removes the blinders of fear and despair and allows you to see the big picture. You become more creative, unleashing and achieving your dreams for the future.

It is inevitable that every one of us will face serious challenges – to our health, to our prosperity, to our sense of wellbeing – in our lifetimes. Whether we’re looking at the world stage or our lives, it’s essential that we choose hope over fear. The more we exercise hope today, the better equipped we’ll be to survive and thrive in our darkest moments. And you know what? It just feels better.

With love and hope,

Stacey

Tags: challenges, emotion, hope, intentions, resilience
Posted in Owning Joy, Owning Surrender, Owning You, Owning Your Emotions, Owning Your Intuition, Owning change | 12 Comments »

Resilience: A Display Of Strength or Denial in Disguise?

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

"Stars Within Her Grasp" by Rita Loyd (c) 2001

I just met with a group of doctors under the wise and beautiful guidance of Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom. We meet monthly to talk about Finding Meaning in Medicine (http://www.theheartofmedicine.org/), a program lead all over the country which aims to put doctors back in touch with the heart of healing. This month’s topic was “Resilience,” and as you can imagine, lively discussion ensued.

What is Resilience?

It got me thinking. What does it mean to be resilient? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Certainly, in the US, we ascribe great value to the idea of resilience. If someone experiences a trauma and manages to get back to the details of life a short time later, we praise this person for being “so strong.” When Haitians crawl out from under the rubble to witness the devastation of their city only to talk about how grateful they are to be alive, we smile. It makes us feel good. All is right with our world as long as people can just “put it all behind them and move on.” But is that really resilience? Or is it just denial?

Maybe resilience means that you’re like a rubber band- you can pulled and stretched out of shape, but you bounce right back into the shape in which you started. Sure, you’ve lost your husband, you just got fired, and your house burned down with you dog inside- but damn if you aren’t resilient for being able to bounce right back.

The Pros and Cons of Bouncing Back

But wait a minute. Is that a good thing? Do we want to be like rubber bands after a major life change? Or do we want to allow a natural reshaping to occur? Is it okay if we no longer look like a rubber band. Maybe now- we look more like a square. But we’re still whole- we’re still intact. We are not broken. We’re just no longer in the same shape anymore. Is that resilience?

On the flip side, maybe being a rubber band can benefit us. Sometimes we’re subjected to tremendous external pressure to change our shape. My medical school training is an example of that, for sure. So is being in the military, perhaps. Being a prisoner of war. Marrying into a family that doesn’t accept you. I’m sure there are hundreds of examples of situations in which you are pressured to change your shape. You are expected to morph- and yet, because you are resilient, you retain your original shape, in spite of the pressure to be different. In spite of it all- somewhere, deep down, you remember who you really are.

Resilience in the World

Then you see these people who experience what might seem like unbearable tragedy. They lose their whole family in a car accident. They find out their husband has been sexually molesting their daughter. They wind up in the midst of an earthquake in Haiti or a hurricane in New Orleans- and their whole world is changed overnight. And yet, they manage somehow to keep living. It’s as if they make a choice to survive the next 5 minutes. And then 5 minutes later, they do it again. Days and weeks go by as 5 minute intervals pass one after the other. Is that resilience? Or merely a profound example of the will to live?

Resilience in Person

I asked this of one of the women I cast for The Woman Inside Project. Her personal story of how her breast cancer came about was particularly traumatic and yet she emerged a phoenix. I was in awe of her. I asked her how she did it, and she thought about it for weeks. Then she sent me an e-mail that said, “I guess I’ve just always had the faith that I will land butter side up.”

Is resilience something we are born with- a part of our genetic make-up? A manifestation of our environment? Or is it something we can cultivate? Can we practice resilience? Can we in any way prepare for the challenges that inevitably lie ahead for all of us? I believe we can. Here are some thoughts on how we might do that.

Tips For Cultivating Resilience in the Midst Of Hardship

Nurture relationships in your life. Tend to your family and friendships. If tragedy strikes, you will be mainlining these people. They will be your lifeline.
Have faith. Believe in a higher power.
Avoid thinking of any challenge as impossible to bear. How you think affects how you feel.
Accept what you cannot change. Focus on trying to change the things you can change and not trying to change the things you can’t. When you resist, you suffer. Remember- pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Joy is a choice.
Laugh- often and hard. Even if it’s not genuine. Practice laughter yoga. Watch silly movies. Read comics. Whatever it takes. Laughing is healthy for your body and feeds the spirit.
Seek meaning in what has happened.
Never give up hope.
Stay flexible. Recognize that the only thing certain in life is change.
Keep a journal. Write your truth.
Set achievable goals.
Practice stress management and relaxation techniques, such as meditation, guided imagery, prayer, warm baths, and massage.
Take care of your body. Eat well. Exercise regularly. Allow yourself extra sleep.
Forgive yourself. Healing begins with self-love and acceptance.
Avoid being stubborn and prideful.
Understand that there is no right or wrong way to experience life’s challenges. Allow yourself to find your own way of healing.
Learn from how you have overcome challenges in the past.
Give yourself as much time as you need to feel what you feel.
Consider therapy.
Schedule activities that bring you peace and joy.
Find community. Seek out loving, nurturing people who will hold space and allow you to feel your feelings. Realize that you are never alone.

#20 is my favorite. I believe that the community with which we surround ourselves allows us to tap into our own resilience, in the best sense of the world. Our community empowers us, strengthens us, supports us, guides us, and allows us to be right where we’re at. I’m a big believer in the power of community (no surprise, given that I founded Owning Pink). We are never alone. We all walk this planet linked by deep roots that interconnect us. When we experience pain, we are one of many who have tapped into their own resilience and found a way to survive, even thrive. With your sisters and brothers lifting you up, it is so much easier.

Let us be here for you, Pinkies. And share your thoughts. What does it mean to be resilient? How you have survived tough times? What tips do you have for Pinkies in crisis?

Believing resilience comes in many flavors,
Lissa

Tags: bouncing back, community, crisis, resilience, spirituality, strength
Posted in Finding Mojo, Owning Joy After Loss, Owning Surrender, Owning Your Emotions, Owning change, Personal Empowerment | 8 Comments »

A Valentine’s Day Challenge: Say “I LOVE YOU”

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Pinkies, I love you. Really, I do. I’m not just saying it. When I think of each and every one of you, my heart swells almost to bursting. I love you. I just do. Which you may find odd, because we don’t say these things much. But hey- it’s almost Valentines day, so it bears exploring, this whole “love” thing.

An Imperfect Language
The problem is that we simply don’t have enough words for love in the English language. We have “like” which is watered down and kinda lame. We have “adore” which is definitely limited to romantic love and children. But what about the love you have for your girlfriends (or guy friends)? What about the love you have for your parents? For you children? For your crazy Uncle Lenny? For your pitbull Spike? For your job? For yourself? What about the love I have for you Pinkies, most of whom I’ve never met? Why don’t we have language for these feelings? We could try rewriting the language to more closely reflect the way Eskimos talk about snow, but hey- it’s not my place to reconfigure the language of Shakespeare. So for now, we’ll have to stick to what we’ve got.

Can You Say “I LOVE YOU” Too Much?
The way I see it, most of us don’t hear the words “I love you” enough. I was blessed. I grew up hearing it all the time from my parents and loved ones. Then I attracted boys who said it often, until one boyfriend refused to say it more than once per day. He believed that saying the words cheapened them. Used to bum me out completely if he said it at 8am- I knew he’d reached his quota until the next day, no matter how tenderly he expressed it. Although I truly adored the guy, that relationship lasted less than six months (no surprise).

Personally, I think there’s no such thing as too much love. It probably won’t come as much surprise to you that when a life coach asked me to take a Signature Strengths test, my number one Signature Strength was “The ability to love and be loved.” Uh…really? So you might say I’m gifted at love. (Trust me- this can be a liability. By 33, I was twice divorced. But that’s another story for another post).

Loving Freely
When I think of free love, I think of long-haired hippies with daisies in their hair at Grateful Dead concerts, and frankly- that’s not really me. But in a way, yes, I guess I’m a free love kind of gal. No, I don’t really sleep around. In fact, I can still count on one hand the men I’ve slept with (and no, I’m not proud of the fact that I married three of them). But the truth is, I love often. And hard. I love profoundly. And it’s not just boys. I cherish my daughter. I adore my mother. I love my girlfriends deeply. I love my patients (may the medical community strike me down for speaking such heresy). And I love Pinkies. I would name each of you, but I don’t want to embarrass you- plus, that would be a really long post. So I’ll resist the temptation to express my love for each and every one of you.

Expressing Love Genuinely
But is it real? Do I really love that much? Some might argue that what I call love isn’t the same as what others call love. What do I know? This is just me. What I can honestly say is that I see your spirits- each individual one. I can see past your masks. I can use Magical Eyes. And when I see you, my heart connects to yours with this beam of Pink light, a direct heart-to-heart channel of divine love that courses through me and through you and links us indelibly like family. True, I may not know you. We’ve probably never met. If you just joined the Pink Posse forum, I may not even know your name. And yet, I love you. I see in you all the possibility of your highest self, your beautiful spirit, your divine potential. Is this weird? Maybe, by society’s standards. But it’s how I feel. So I’m just telling you my truth. I’m owning it. I love you. Period.

Is It Authentic?
If I love all of you, does it mean I love my daughter, my husband, or my best friend any less? Am I being genuine, or am I just saying what you might want to hear? Well, all I can say is that it’s what feels real to me. I feel like I don’t need to know the details about you to know the essence of you, to believe in your preciousness, to see your magnificence. Does it make it less meaningful if I offer love freely? I hope not. Our world craves more love. I’d hate to think that I should start rationing what I genuinely feel.

Growing up, my mother taught me a song. It goes like this.

Love is something if you give it away, give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away. You end up having more.

It’s just like a magic penny. Hold it tight and you won’t have any. Lend it, spend it, and you’ll have so many, they’ll roll all over the floor.

Love is something if you give it away, give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away. You end up having more.

My husband Matt now calls it “Lucky Penny Love.” And I guess I’m a believer in the song. Love lies within us all. We all are capable of loving and being loved. It just so happens that this is my #1 Signature Strength (I’m not gonna tell you what I suck at – that’s yet another post), but this capacity lies within us all. You too can OWN it. You are loving. You are lovable. I SEE you.

Why Do We Avoid the Words We Most Long to Hear?
Why do we ration the words “I love you?” I mean, face it. We are all desperate to hear them whispered in our ear by a lover, expressed to us by a parent, or voiced by our children. When our friends say it, we may blush but our hearts swell and our spirits lift. When Pinkies say it to you, admit it- it feels good. You may feel a little weird about having complete strangers utter terms of endearment- after all, it’s completely foreign to most of us- but if you dig deep, you realize that you like it. Hell, you love it. You heart eats it up.

Say I LOVE YOU Out Loud
Let’s just do it, Pinkies. Express your love to those you care about. Say it to your family. Say it to your best friend. Say it to yourself in a mirror. Say it to the Universe. Practice saying it until it rolls off your tongue. Who doesn’t want to live in love? And hey- it’s Valentine’s Day. Do it just because. Do it freely. Offer love like hot tea on a cold day. Nurture others with your fresh, beautiful spirit. Don’t be shy. They want it. I swear- they want it, even if they look askance and change the subject. Expect nothing in return. Just live in love. And watch what happens.

What about you Pinkies? What do you think about the words “I love you?” What are your experiences with love? Are you able to love freely or does it wig you out? Are you able to receive love when others offer it , or do you shut it out? Do you believe us when we say we love you? Or are you making up reasons why you’re unlovable? Let’s talk about this, dear ones. It’s SO important. I care what you have to say….

Loving you (like it or not!),
Lissa

Tags: friendship, I love you, Love, valentine's day
Posted in Lissa's personal yada yada yada, Owning Love, Owning Your Emotions | 10 Comments »