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Owning This Moment: Overcoming Your Monsters (Part 2)

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

Hiya Pinkies. Please welcome back Pink Goddess Dana, who wrote this follow up for the Pink Posse blog that was so kickin’ we had to celebrate it here. Take it away, Dana!

My inner critic got pushy just as I got ready to post what I wrote here. I have chosen not to succumb to my inner critic’s natterings in writing my blog, but in deference to anyone who she was trying to protect, I will say up front that I do not intend this post to mean that if you have not achieved the skill you desire in “presence” that you are an emotional child. I believe that we are all on a continual journey to emotional adulthood throughout our lives. If you find your own inner child or critic piqued in any way by this post, please soothe it with my wish for you to look inside and find some wisdom your own emotional adult wants to give you. Blessings to everyone.

In a recent post I talked about how wonderful it was to finally be free of the debilitating worries, guilts and anxieties of that past and future, allowing my energy to be present to the joy and occasional pain of my daily life. Living in the Present really has become a great survival tactic when fears encroach on my happiness. I recommend it highly, but learning to Live in the Moment didn’t just free me from fear, it changed me in other, even more profound ways; it turned me into an emotional adult.

You knew it, didn’t you? There’s always a catch!

You remember that I said that Living in the Moment didn’t necessarily make all my problems go away? Well it’s true that being more Present actually made some parts of my life more complicated. Let’s start with my primary modern survival technique -multitasking. How would I survive without the ability to monitor client email, text my kids, maintain many many friendships via Twitter, Facebook, IM, email etc and run a household and a couple of businesses all while playing with stones and jotting out posts like this that feed my soul? I admit to walking the edge on this issue more than any other, my attention always a bit fragmented. For a while when I first began being conscious of the benefits of Presence, I took it too far the other way – using meditation to help calm my mind and then concentrating so much on one thing at a time – being uber-Present as though I was on some mountaintop with the monks – that I made modern mistakes. I remember distinctly being so into the Present Moment on a lunch date that I completely forgot to pick my kids up from school. “Oops. Guess I need to be simultaneously Present to the calendar so the future doesn’t bonk me in the head!” I said to my extremely smug Guilt Imp as we raced to the school.

The calendar became my savior, however, as I stopped trying to carry the future in my head and put it in my phone so I refer to it when I needed – at that moment – to make a decision about how to spend my energy over the next unit of time – whether it was a few minutes (e.g., whether to try to run to the grocery before or after a meeting) or a few months (e.g., whether to take on a new project). I’ve recognized that – to a point – I am capable of multitasking in the Present to the extent it helps me manage my life and still remain Present to all the parts of my life that I love. I do turn off the multitasking sometimes, but I do more than unplug my technology, I put my Worry Imps to bed too, asking some to leave forever and others to wait for me at my desk the next day or week when I will have the ability to deal with them. Yes, I talk to my Worry Gremlins. Why not? They tend to leave more readily when I address them directly. Call me crazy but it works.

But conscious multitasking took me deeper into myself and made me aware that living in the Present Moment required a lot ofenergy management. I used to think of this as time management, but being Present to the relatively subtle fluxuations of my physical and mental energy levels has made me aware that while I have little control over the steady march of time, I have a lot more influence over HOW I spend my time to get the most of the energy that flows through me. For example, due to biorhythms, hormones or sun spots (I suspect they’re all in cahoots anyway) I find that at some points in time my energy is simply more capable of doing some things than at others. I know I’m useless when I wake up, creative until two, mentally scattered again until five, mentally productive until eight and tired after nine. Knowing my energy patterns is great for living in the Present because I now know how best to get through my task lists, making the most of my Present energy. But wait. Dang. I keep forgetting that I don’t really control that old Time Demon – my schedule – which is dictated by kids, clients and the various construction crews that have been banging in and around my home/office for the last 3 years. Shoot.

Let me tell you, managing the demands of my life while being present to my energy cycles is a real pain. It’s not so much about Monsters and Imps as it is about being hyper conscious of the constant choices I’m making – and I mean constant choices on a minute-by-minute basis sometimes – about what is most important to me and how I spend my energy. After all, when I’m Present to all the decisions leading up that moment when I face a client deadline in the midst of a major energy low, I can’t bitch about their stupid deadlines or the unfairness of the Universe for putting me in this situation, I know it was my choices – on what to sign up for, what values to uphold and how to manage my energy leading up to that moment – that put me in this position.

And this is how I came to realize that I’d grown up emotionally because being Present gave me emotional responsibility for my life. Being Present to each moment makes me hyper-aware of the choices I make on how I spend my time and energy, and very conscious of the power I give each little Gremlin and Imp that scampers (or I accidently invite) into my life. All this knowledge makes it virtually impossible for me to blame others for my reality. I’ve successfully put myself in control of my Present Moment which means – yipes! – that I’m in control of it! This is a classic case of “be careful what you wish for” because when things go well I can give myself great kudos, but when things go not-so-great I take that rap too. Inconvenient as this knowledge is sometimes, it’s also empowering because over time it’s helped me make more and more good decisions, letting go of people and behaviors that just brought more little Demon-wanna-bes to my life. But notice I said “more” good decisions, not “only” good decisions. I still screw up.

So that I don’t let that load of past Regret Gremlins and Guilt Imps gang up on me again, I have to deal with the negative in the real-time Present Moment, apologizing when I’ve wronged someone and doing what I can to make things right when 20-20 hindsight shows me the results of my boneheaded decisions. Sure, I do blame the Universe for stuff, but as a way of not accepting responsibility for things truly out of my control, like illnesses and tragedy, decisions other people make (after all, my own Presence isn’t the only Moment that matters) and world events I didn’t vote for. I don’t take personal responsibility for these things because, I mean, why invite a little Demon-wannabe to move into your basement if he’s got a perfectly good home elsewhere? (Note: I’m not completely dismissing the theory that those other things outside myself are affected by my decisions, but I don’t take personal responsibility for them all and I’m not going to address the nuances of this complicated issue in this post.)

So somewhere midway through my Life’s Journey, I’m happy to say I’ve used the Be Here Now strategy to ungang my Gremlins so they can’t paralyze me anymore, even though they are still with me toddling down the Path. Presence has given me more than just more manageable problems, though, it’s taken away my excuses. I know now that I have the power to make myself happy and when I’m not, it’s up to me to fix it. As I work with this reality in my minute-by-minute Present Moment, this reality takes me deeper into the choices I make, the benefits and prices I pay with each decision; it continues to mature me.

Part of me hopes that as I age I can live a simpler life and make the minute-by-minute struggle a little less exhausting, but another part of me is joyfully aware that this is just another Future Worry in the guise of a hope. Because the real future Present Moment, when I get there, will be full of choices and good things and not so good things, too. I remind myself that the energy of the Present, when fully experienced and savored, is always more enriching than a mere hope. And so I use hope as a guiding star, steering my myriad of Present decisions like a herd of cats in the general direction of wonderfulness.

More of designing my future in another post, I hope. For the moment, however, it’s time to put my technology away and succumb to uselessness for a bit. With this post I let these thoughts go and pass them on – to you. May they enhance your Present Moment just a little before you pass them on – elsewhere.

Love, Light and Joy,
Dana

Tags: be here now, dana, living in the moment, monsters, stonetosser
Posted in Finding Mojo, Owning Aging, Owning Balance, Owning Spirituality | 2 Comments »

Owning This Moment: Overcoming Your Monsters

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

Some of the posts Pinkies write on the Pink Posse forum are just too good to pass up and we feel obligated to bring them into the Owning Pink spotlight. Dana’s post is just such a post. Please welcome Pink Goddess Dana, who arguably speaks for all of us in her quest to live in the present moment. Take it away, Dana!

“Be Here Now. Live in the Present. Live in the Moment.” So goes common advice from the life coach, the therapist and the spiritual guide. There really isn’t anywhere you can turn anymore without some enlightened someone urging you to put aside worries of tomorrow and yesterday in order to concentrate on making the precious moment in time you occupy RIGHT NOW full and completely experienced. The theory is that when your mind and heart are in the present moment – even the painful moment – you are not wasting energy on things you can’t control. And by achieving emotional and psychic energy efficiency – mindful of the present at the expense of the past and the future – you will live a fulfilled and happy life.

Riiiiight.

Who are these people? Don’t they battle all the Past and Future Stress Monsters of the modern world? Don’t they struggle to pay down credit thrown at them in past times of economic “abundance,” which threatens their future? Aren’t they distracted by anxiety over whether they’ll ever meet Mr./Ms. Right tomorrow or in another decade? Don’t they have children to worry about getting into college? Aren’t they anxious about our soldiers and how many more must die? Don’t they have illnesses or know people with horrible diseases eating them alive who may never even have a future? Do they even live in the world or are they all just closet monks? Oh, please! This philosophy seems like it was developed on an ancient Buddhist mountaintop far removed from our modern reality.

Well, even though it’s very possible this philosophy was dreamed in some quiet temple – sans kids running around or cell phones ringing – through personal trial and error, I have come to believe that Living in the Present is not only possible in the modern chaos of worries, but necessary.

Entering the Present Moment
My journey into the Present started many years ago. It wasn’t so much an event that awoke me as it was a realization that I had achieved everything I’d set out to achieve – a good career, a wonderful family, a nice house etc., but I wasn’t happy. There was always something ‘wrong,’ some problem, something keeping me from just enjoying a Moment in Time. It occurred to me that if all those achievements I’d sacrificed the Present Moment for all those years couldn’t make me happy, perhaps I wasn’t capable of happiness. And this idea scared the bejezzus out of me. I realized that if I didn’t find a way to be happy in the Moment, I was going to lose the Moment entirely, and take my family down with me or drive them away.

Meet the EmoMonsters
The good news was that this scared me into starting my journey to wholeness; the bad news is that when I awoke to this new path, I found myself smack in the middle of the Forest of Emotional Instability, surround by EmoMonsters of many shapes and sizes. I didn’t realize it at the time, but Presence would become my best Monster defense and ultimately my way out of the Forest entirely.

One of my fairy godparents appeared in the guise of a corporate trainer who gave a room full of us Fortune 100 employees a ballpoint pen and a group exercise called “Be Here Now.” I would have dismissed the message completely (see above cynical rant) if it hadn’t been for the gentle soul who delivered it. Learning more about how he struggled with “issues” in his life and yet still managed to pass on wisdom and peace to people he met on his journey made me look more seriously at his message of Presence.

Monster Spray

And I’m so glad I did because a little farther into my quest I ran up against debilitating fears, doubts, worries and insecurities that attacked me like slatheringly ferocious beasts, all ganging up into one big Gigantic Monster sucking at my confidence and drive. Even though these frightening demons eventually turned out to be a large gang of annoying little gremlins and imps, in the middle of these beastly battles being Present in the Moment became my Monster Spray. On days when the Fear Demon tried to paralyze me with every imaginable concern for what had gone wrong in the past and might go wrong in the future, I found that if I sprayed myself with Presence – focusing on only those things that might go wrong in the Moment – I could focus enough to make sure the things that HAD to go right, did so. Covered in Presence I could function as a mom, wife and employee because I’d sapped energy from the Monster’s scariest weapon – overwhelming worries over things I couldn’t control.

But it turned out that Presence had only weakened the beasties, not gotten rid of them altogether. I still had to let them go. This was a bit confusing for me until I succumbed to the logic of my inability to “fix” them and simply gave them up. I let all the things I could not control go, handing them off to – other things.

Expunging the energy I was sending into worrying about the past, I wrote over 100 apology letters and angry rants (which I didn’t send) just to purge those old wounds and gremlins out of me. Then I gave my worries about the future to God, angels, and myself in my future state. I gave the future back to the future, sending it forward in time and out of me.

Shrinking The Monsters into Gremlins and Imps

With every letter-to-put-the-past-to-rest and every worry-i sent-forward, the DemonBeast before me shrank. Once I’d fully defused the Fear Demon’s past-and-future-worry-power, the stupid git had shrunk down to gremlin size and started kicking my shins. It was then I realized that by living in the Present Moment, unparalyzed by the weight of things that were inherently unmanageable, I could function better emotionally and take on the little bite-sized Gremlin Fears and Worry Imps one-by-one as they appeared as Present Problems. And so I emerged from the Forest of Emotional Instability and began my true journey to wholeness.

Today, I live a great life with plenty of things to worry about that I don’t spend too much energy on. Living in the Present has made me happier and wholer and given me protection against the most terrifying of Demons, but it hasn’t gotten rid of all of my problems. Life is full of Monsters and my job is to simply deal with them one at a time as they sneak up behind me, inside me and/or blocking my path. And Monsters or not, life is still an ongoing balance of the happiest of Moments and the saddest as well.

There’s more to this story, though. Having found my way out of the Forest of Emo-Monsters and armed with my new Monster Spray of Presence, I realize that learning to Be Here Now has actually changed me in some other – extremely fundamental ways. I’ll elaborate in a future post, but in some ways these other changes may have been more frightening to me than the Fear Demons that came lunging out of the dark. It occurs to me that the Worry Monsters may actually have been protecting me from what I feared the most, from the thing that Living in the Present transformed me into.

Striving to be here now,

Dana

Tags: anxiety, be here now, fear, monster spray, monsters, pink posse, presence, worry
Posted in Finding Mojo, Owning Surrender, Owning You, Owning Your Emotions, pink posse | 1 Comment »

Owning Our Demons: Having Tea With Gremlins

Sunday, November 8th, 2009

Hey Pinkies,
Please welcome Dana, a total rockstar over on the Posse Blog, with a rather amusing and very powerful way to deal with the little fears, voices, and monsters that hold us back. This was initially posted on her blog, http://blog.stonetosser.com. Please welcome Dana with a big Pink standing ovation!

Do you know your demons? I do. I know many of them so well that I talk to them, inviting them to tea. We have conversations like old friends.

Until recently, I considered this level of familiarity with my dark side a strength. I mean, by getting to know them, I’ve been able to see them for what they really are – horridly distorted imaginings, most of whom turn out to be silly little creatures camping it up around candles that cast monstrous shadows. One by one I’ve been throwing back the black curtains where they hide to reveal them; and one by one they’ve been turning up as little imps and gremlins and – sometimes the most heartbreakingly – wounded parts of me. I’m still finding them hiding in the rafters and walls of my mentally haunted house, but after years of work, I’ve finally got most of them showing up for tea to participate in a slightly more socially constructive activity than trashing my subconscious. (And those that aren’t at the table yet will at least sneak in to steal the cookies.)

But here’s the catch. Even now that they will deign to sit at my knee and sip tea with me – no longer hiding in the dark and building up my fears and anxieties into paralyzing fantasies of doom – I find that some of the little buggers are still working against my interests. That’s my big ah-ha today; they’re smaller and less threatening, but – they’re still here!

For example, I’m no longer afraid of people telling me I’m an idiot. This is not because some people aren’t willing to do so, but I no longer let worry about lack of approval stop me from meeting new people, keep me from speaking my truth or draw me into emotionally abusive relationships (personally, professionally or otherwise). Despite having called my Approval Gremlin out of hiding a few years back, however, I did recently notice an anonymous voice in my head coming up with excuses for me not to make a certain phone call… It was insidiously suggesting that I was, indeed, an idiot. “Maybe they haven’t returned your call because you’re really not all that good. They were just being nice when you met them, and you’re a fool to believe otherwise….heh, heh, heh…”

WTF? Where did THAT voice come from? Upon conscious investigation of said little voice, I discovered the Approval Gremlin, sitting at my knee with his tea cup and crumpet raised, sporting the silliest, most conniving and fakingly innocent grin on his face.

So, I picked up the phone and made the call. The person took my call, explained why he’d been silent and invited me to call back in a few days. Ha! I’m sticking out my tongue at the little Approval Gremlin with this very blog post! Little bastard.

So anyway, for those of you interested in confronting your demons, I’m putting mine up for adoption. Perhaps you’d like a little Approval Gremlin to scamper into your dark corners and drag out the little creatures you’re trying to scare up? Mine’s available immediately. I’ll give him to you! I’ll even give you his tea cup and half eaten crumpet! Ok. Just kidding, I don’t really want to sic the little beastie on you. (Just imagine if they teamed up!) But I will refer you to Joy’s blog post last week about confronting your demons. It’s a great run-down of all the things hiding in our mentally haunted houses, just waiting to sabotage our best efforts at living confidently and with courage. I recommend it especially in the wake of Halloween, after the Monsters have left our streets and come back inside to rest.

Good luck with your demons and may they all turn up to be no more than annoying little buggers by the time you tame them into sitting with you for tea.

Gremlins for sale,
Dana

Tags: approval, confronting demons, dark side, demons, gremlins, halloween, imps, inner critic, monsters, overcoming fear, voices, wounds
Posted in Guest Pinkies, Owning You, Personal Empowerment, pink posse | 1 Comment »

Owning You: Confronting Your Ghosts, Demons, and Monsters

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Happy Halloween, Pinkies! Joy, here. Tomorrow is the spookiest day of the year, when witches, gremlins, ghosts, and demons come out to play. It got me thinking about the ways our lives can be haunted. We carry around plenty of ghosts – fears, regrets, and responsibilities weigh us down, and take up space and energy that could be used in pursuit of our mojo. Here are some Halloween tips on slaying the demons and releasing the ghosts in our lives.

Regret. Probably the scariest ghost of them all. Things we have or haven’t done or said will surface when we least expect it – the twinge of regret stabbing like Freddy’s knife. We can face down regret often by remembering that there is no suffering in the present moment. Not only that, but the present moment is all there is. Do something that helps bring you into the now – meditate, go for a hike, play with your kids or your pets. Let everything else fall away. We can’t go back and undo what we’ve done, and it’s possible that in the future we will act in a way we will later regret. Accept that you are human (it’s likely that there are at least 7 billion others with regrets too), flawed, fallible, and most of all, LOVEABLE.
Broken relationships. The term “monster-in-law” speaks well to the torment of a relationship gone sour. Are there people in your life with whom you experience tension, constant angst, or awkwardness? What is the cause of this dynamic – can you even remember? Drill down to the roots of why the prospect of being around this person is so scary. If it is possible, take steps to heal what is broken. It could also be time for the relationship to be over. If so, release it with love, forgiveness, and an open heart.
Phobias. Are you afraid of the dark? Ghosts? Heights? Spiders? How does your phobia hold you back from doing what you want to in life? Take some time to sit quietly with your phobia and ask what it is that truly scares you. What elements of the fear can you release? An intuitive reading could help you get to the bottom of inexplicable fears, as often they reside in past lives.
Bad memories. As with regret, memories of terrible experiences in our lives can surface when we don’t want them to, and might deter us from living to our fullest potential. First, know that it is not your responsibility to hold information that no longer serves you. Various body work and energy healing modalities like massage therapy or Reiki can gently and safely help you bring these particular ghosts to the surface and, as you become ready, help you to let them go.
Worry. Anxious over the future? Concerned about your loved ones? Remember, Pinkies, that the Universe actually has the future pretty well under control – the world will spin on, and there is no need for you to drive. Same with the people in our lives. While it’s easy to think that our kids’/ spouses’/ friends’ lives would cease to function without our involvement, each of us is on our own path and, ultimately, must make our own decisions for our lives. Worrying does not help anyone. All we can do is send love and light to our dear ones, surround them with an energetic bubble of safety, then let go and trust that their lives – like ours – are unfolding as they should.
Fear for the world. Shut off your TVs, Pinkies. Seriously. While we like to think that we’re keeping ourselves informed by paying attention to the media, really we’re being thrown a lot of negativity and confusion. Somewhere along the way, someone decided that all we needed to hear about are the disasters, deaths, cruelties and misfortunes in the world. Plus, everyone’s opinions about everything add a layer of confusion that is frustrating and frightening to navigate. The way to bust this ghost is to shut off your radio, close the newspaper, and start to focus on all of the kindnesses, beauty, and miracles you see happening around you every day. You might even surround yourself with inspirational stories, such as those showcased by Daran Kagan, the former CNN anchor who got tired of bad news.
Illness. A particularly scary monster. While there is lots you can do to prevent illness from getting to you – avoiding stress, embracing the positive, eating well, exercising, getting rest, expressing your emotions, and treating your body as the temple it is – there are still those of us who fall prey to the beast of disease. If you are sick, rather than engaging in a full-on battle to eradicate whatever has invaded, try approaching it lovingly. Be curious about the subtle gifts and messages the illness has for you. Develop a relationship with this thing that is, like it or not, a part of you, and know that the Universe had a purpose for putting it in your path.
Things unsaid. This ghost can hang between two or more people and negatively affect the relationship. Transparent or invisible though it may be, it’s a presence that’s hard to ignore. It takes courage to speak your truth, but it is the only way to fully express yourself. Speaking your truth is different than saying whatever is on the top of your head. Be mindful of the feelings of the person you’re talking to, and beware of being brazenly nasty or hurtful. Rather, approach the conversation with kindness and care, and know that your honesty is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the other.
Old versions of ourselves. As you’ve begun to find your mojo by owning all of the pieces of yourself, you might experience some major changes – physical, emotional, and spiritual. The transformation may be so dramatic that it’s hard to recognize who you used to be. However, rather than forgetting, dismissing, or denying that you were ever “less” than you are now, embrace that person with love. Know that you had to be there to get here, and that the old you is not a monster, but rather a part of the whole, authentic, beautiful you.
Responsibility. Sure, we have plenty to do to ensure our basic survival, never mind pursue our happiness. It’s not long before the things we do in the interest of living a full life become an overwhelming to-do list, a monkey on our back and an ogre in our way. Make a list of all of your responsibilities. Which are really serving your highest intentions? (Hint: the ones that feel like burdens, or give you a heavy feeling in your chest likely aren’t.) Get back to basics, treating the “menial” day-to-day tasks with pride, dignity, and presence. Dispense with the excess – the list of “shoulds” that disagree with what your inner wisdom is telling you. And don’t forget to ask for help when you need it.