Owning Joy After Loss

Posts Tagged ‘Owning Joy After Loss’

Mojo Monday- What Would You Do If You Were Brave?

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Dear Pinkies, please welcome back the wisest woman in my life, my best friend and Pink Mommy, Trish Rankin. She’s here today with some thoughts on dreams, transitions, and the miracles that exist in each of us. Take it away, Mommy, and thank you! – Lissa

***

Recently I heard a song* in the car that has tweaked my soul. The lines that particularly touched me were:

What would I do, if I knew that I could not fail?
If I believed, would the wind always fill up my sail?
How far would I go?

All the way home, I found the question rolling around the car as if it were a loose bottle of water seeking a place to settle. What would I do if I were brave? Would I seek my dream? Do I have a dream formulated or have I been afraid to even create one?

The Difficulty of Change

Since my husband died four years ago, I have tried to remake my way, but I am still far from who I think I can be. It would be easier to just go on as I am, remaining in the safety of the niche I’ve re-created. Change is hard and mine is no exception. David was my husband of 40 years as well as my best friend. We didn’t just co-exist – we shared life, and now I live alone. My purpose in life is now in question.

Venturing Out On My Own

In November I flew to Turkey alone, spent a week with our former foreign exchange student whom David and I were supposed to visit before he died. I was scared that something would go very wrong (and many of those fears were confirmed), but I did it. I then flew alone from Turkey to Greece, and connected with a small group from my church to go on a Mediterranean Cruise of four countries. I ended up in Greece alone an extra day due to a miscommunication and flew home alone.

I have never traveled abroad alone before and certainly not to a country where I couldn’t even speak the language, and where few I addressed could speak English. But I overcame my fears. I did it! I was brave, and I was proud!

So what would I ask if I could have anything? What is my dream?

My dream? It is to publish my recently completed book, and present 1-2 “Owning Joy after Loss” workshops a month, to help other women gracefully move through their grief journey. But that takes skill and persistence I’m not sure I possess. Doubt creeps in and steals my courage. My dream? To find love again, to fill my empty home with happiness through a committed loving relationship. But that takes risk, and I am striving each day to find the courage to confront that risk. I know I will.

Believe in the Miracle That Is You

Don’t be concerned about doing it alone. For there are miracles available within us – some large and some small. You don’t have to donate a kidney to become a miracle in someone else’s day or life. A kind word, volunteering your time, a smile to an angry stranger, a changed heart – these are all small miracles that can change those around us and ultimately change who we are.

I have a sign in my dining room that says, “The poor woman is not one without a dime but one without a dream.”

So Pinkies-Dream big, knowing that the will of God never takes you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

What would YOUR dream look like, if you were not afraid? If you were brave? If you had courage to change anything you wished?

A MOJO MONDAY exercise:

1. Give yourself a few minutes to close your eyes and fantasize. Where does your mind go if you give it permission to go anywhere exciting? What if you invited yourself to dream your biggest dreams, free of your inner critic and demons? What comes up? What would you do if you were BRAVE? If you took fear out of the equation?

2. Make a list of all of your wildest fantasies, your ginormous dreams- the life you might create if you took a Pleap (Pink leap of faith) and truly BELIEVED in yourself.

3. Now write a list of affirmations that will help you be brave. If your inner critic says, “You’re not smart enough,” your affirmation will be You are smart enough. If it says, “You don’t have enough money,” your affirmation is “Abundance is overflowing in my life.” Write as many affirmations as you can think of.

4. Now, try to still your mind in meditation for as long as you can manage (15-30 minutes is ideal. It opens up your mind to a place of receptivity).

5. After quiet meditation, start to dream your dream, in very specific detail. Visualize a day in your perfect life as if it was a movie. Don’t worry about the details of how and when. Just create the scene in your mind, believing it to be true. Imagine waking up in the morning. Feel what it feels like to be brave. What does your house look like? Your family? Your job? Your body? Your community? How do you FEEL in this brave life? How do things smell? How does life taste? Very as sensual and detailed as possible. Let your body live it.

6. There is a part of your brain that responds to this type of programming- (Lissa tells me it’s called the reticular activating system). When you stimulate it, it starts firing, and voila- before you know it- you begin to notice ways that your dreams might come true that you might not otherwise have noticed. Perhaps you need to find the perfect retail kitchen space so that you can open your dream restaurant. So there you are- at a cocktail party- and because your reticular activating system is now supercharged, your ears hear- from all the way across the room- some guy talking about how he has this kitchen for rent and needs to unload it really cheap. Had your brain not been fired up, you might never have noticed. So let’s do it, Pinkies. Let’s supercharge our reticular activating systems and be BRAVE!

6. After watching the movie reel in your head, open your eyes and read your list of affirmations out loud. Even better- read them into a tape recorder and play them with your eyes still closed. Believe them. LIVE them. KNOW them.

7. Repeat this exercise every day for a month- and see what happens.

What do you think, Pinkies. Are you in? I’m starting today…

Share your dreams, dear ones. What would you do if you were brave?

Getting braver ever day,

Trish

* “If I Were Brave” by Jana Stanfield

What would I do, if I knew that I could not fail?
If I believed, would the wind always fill up my sail?
How far would I go? What could I achieve,
trusting the hero in me?

If I were brave, I’d walk the razor’s edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I’d never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

What if we’re all meant to do what we secretly dream?
What would you ask, if you knew you could have anything?
Like the mighty oak sleeps, in the heart of a seed,
are there miracles in you and me?

If I were brave, I’d walk the razor’s edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I’d never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

If I refuse to listen to the voice of fear,
would the voice of courage whisper in my ear?

If I were brave, I’d walk the razor’s edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I’d never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

Tags: death of a spouse, if I were brave, jana stanfield, miracles, Owning Joy After Loss, transition, Trish Rankin
Posted in Finding Mojo, Guest Pinkies, Owning Joy After Loss, Owning Spirituality | 6 Comments »

How To Own Joy After Loss

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Me and Trish Rankin (Mom), Owning Joy After Loss

For those of you who are intrigued about the Owning Joy After Loss workshop I’m facilitating this weekend, I thought I’d share a few tips with you. If you just lost someone or something precious, it’s almost impossible to imagine that you might one day Own Joy. But trust me. It’s in there somewhere. How can you facilitate the process of finding it? Whether you’ve lost your job, your house, your marriage, your health, or a loved one, these little nuggets will help.

First off, don’t skip grieving. You can’t possibly hopscotch straight past loss to Joy. But you don’t have to wait years to experience Joy again. When you feel it bubbling up within you, embrace it.
Realize that being joyful does not undermine your loss. Don’t make your life a testament to what you’ve lost. You’re not proving anything (that you’re right, that you loved dearly, or that you deserve attention) by staying stuck in your story.
Take a gratitude walk. Get outside, walk around, and think about what makes you feel grateful. Count your small blessings. Maybe you’re grateful for the purple lupine or the cottonwood that makes the air feel alive. Perhaps you’re grateful you no longer have to sort your loved one’s laundry. Maybe, by losing someone you love, you’re free to follow your own dreams, after being a caretaker. Look for the opportunity hidden in your loss, and don’t judge yourself.
Make sure you get enough sleep. Grieving is hard work, and it’s hard to feel joyful when stress is keeping you up at night. If you can’t sleep, seek professional help.
Try Laughter Yoga. Yes, such a thing really exists. We know that laughter is good for us, but who feels like laughing when you’re feeling sad? Laughter yoga is a combination of yoga breathing exercises (pranayama), childlike playfulness, and laughter. It’s based on the notion that your body can’t tell the difference between real laughter and fake laughter. In other words, fake it ‘til you make it. Chances are, you’ll feel so silly, genuine laughter will follow. Stay tuned for Mojo Monday this week- it’ll be all about Laughter Yoga.
Be creative. Sometimes, creative expression can put you in touch with healing energy you didn’t even know you had. We made our monsters in our workshop today, and everyone was shocked what came pouring out with nothing but a piece of paper and a few magic markers.
Drawing our monsters
Surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you and allow you to feel exactly what you feel. These people are precious. They will hold the space for you when you feel sad and need support. And they will share your joy when you find it.
After a reasonable amount of time has passed (during which you get to cry whenever you damn well want to), set aside time to grieve- but don’t allow yourself to wallow. Maybe every Wednesday is wailing Wednesdays, when you get to sob uncontrollably all day long. But when Thursday rolls around, brush yourself off and give yourself permission to experience Joy. Go bowling. Watch a funny movie. Meet your friends for a lunch date. Pick wildflowers in a field. Don’t let your loss define your entire existence.
Get outside and exercise. If you can’t get motivated, ask someone else to make you accountable.
Do something silly. Play on the swings like you’re five again. Stand on your hands and have someone take a picture of you. Paint your toenails green. Get your face painted. Shoot silly string at your best friend when she isn’t expecting it. Dance when nobody else is dancing. It’s okay. People know you’re grieving, so your friends will give you a long leash.
Barbara, Joanie, and Trish, Owning Joy After Loss
Check out the website created by Pink Posse member Christa Scalies, Giggle On. Christa’s whole mission with her website is to help people overcome loss by finding their Joy. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. You’ll find yourself doing yoga breathing on a whoopee cushion. I swear, you’ll love it.
Find a spiritual community to support you. If you’re not a church-goer, try a yoga class, a spiritual dance experience, or a dharma talk.
Eat well. When you’re grieving, it’s easy to lose the motivation to prepare healthy food, so it’s easy to let your health slide. Joy will be hard to find if you’re ill. Take care of YOU.
Make a date to get out of your home at least once a week. Schedule friends that will pick you up and be playful with you.
Play happy music. Leave it on in your car. Keep a mix CD in your CD player. Make a happy Pink Playlist for your Ipod. Listen to it whenever you can.
Remember, pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Choose Joy instead.
Barbara, Carol, Joanie, Trish, and Kathy with their monsters at the Owning Joy After Loss workshop

What works for you, Pinkies? How do you Own Joy After Loss?

With love from the Owning Joy After Loss workshop in Ohio,

Lissa

Tags: Christa Scalies, Giggle On, gratitude walk, grief, grieving, grieving workshop, how to grieve, laughter yoga, Owning Joy After Loss, widow
Posted in Finding Mojo, Owning Joy After Loss | 5 Comments »

Owning Joy After Loss

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

The Spirit Boat Mom & I commissioned to memorialize Dad

Hola from Ohio, Pinkies! I’m about to co-lead an Owning Pink workshop with Mom called Owning Joy After Loss to a group of widows. While not the first Owning Pink workshop, this is the first Owning Joy After Loss workshop, so please send some healing juju up to the Buckeye State for us. We’re going to grieve together, go deep, imagine ourselves joyful, and then make it happen. We’ll be writing, doing guided imagery, HaHa HoHoHoing our way through Laughter Yoga, engaging in nurturing rituals, dancing to a very special Pink Playlist, crying, being goofy, and otherwise healing together. Since Mom and I lost Dad three years ago, we’ve been marinating on this idea, and it’s finally coming to fruition.

After Loss, Your Identity Dies

When you experience loss- whether you’ve lost a loved one, gotten divorced, quit or been fired from your job, face an empty nest, or been diagnosed with a serious illness- you experience a sort of death. Your life as you knew it is over. If you’re a widow like these women, you are no longer anyone’s wife. If you’re getting divorced, you’re no longer a married person. If you’ve lost your job as a legal secretary, you’re no longer a legal secretary. If your kids are off to college, you’re no longer a stay-at-home Mom. If you have cancer, you’re no longer well. These little deaths must be grieved- and that takes time. Not only have you experienced loss, your entire identity has now shifted. You may feel that after being SOMETHING, you are now NOTHING. And you are not alone in feeling that way.

It’s Okay To Feel Rootless

There’s a reason we’re not leading this workshop for widows who have just lost someone. Some time has passed for them. When the wounds are fresh, it’s almost impossible to Own Joy. You feel like a nobody in nowhereland on a path to nothing with nobody. And that’s okay. That’s how you’re supposed to feel when you’ve lost your whole sense of who you are. Don’t judge yourself, attempt to fast-forward the process, or skip this important step. This nothingness is fertile ground for what lies ahead for you- rebirth.

What Do We Mean By Owning Joy After Loss?

Our workshop is intended to facilitate the rebirthing process. After you’ve experienced loss, said goodbye to your former self, been mired in the muck of nothingness, and floundered back up for air, you may start to notice a little joy bubbling up. Once the agony of your loss starts to abate, you may be ready to start Owning Joy.

How Lissa Lost Her Mojo

When Dad died, two weeks after Siena was born, days after my beloved 16-year old dog died and my healthy brother ended up with liver failure from the antibiotic Zithromax, the Lissa I knew officially croaked. All in one fell swoop, I was transformed from a free-wheeling, doggie-loving, childless daughter with a Daddy and a healthy brother to a Dad-less, dog-less, breastfeeding mother with a brother on death’s door. Within a year, my husband cut two fingers off his hand with a table saw, and to top it all off, I quit practicing medicine. Bye, bye mojo. Not to belabor my sob story- I’m sure each of you can rattle off a series of life-changing events that rocked you like an earthquake and catapulted you into the muck. But I just wanted to reinforce the notion that if you’re feeling like Job, like you’re getting pelted with bad news like bullets in a battlefield, you’re not alone. I feel you, sister. spirit-boat-sm

Giving Birth To The New You

In our workshop, we’re going to go into the muck together- just to get it out of the way. Then we’re going to start dreaming, imagining, laughing and inviting ourselves to find our Joy. No one can find your Joy for you. And Mom and I can’t teach someone how to find it. All we can do is create the safe environment that allows people to go within to discover it for themselves. We all have every answer we need inside of us. Those who are courageous enough to explore are on the path to rebirthing a whole new identity, one that fits like a glove. Does that mean we’ll forget what we’ve lost? Of course not. But we can cope, even thrive, by allowing the catastrophe that killed off our old self to serve as the catalyst for transformation.

Looking Through The Retrospectoscope

When I look back, I now see that my Perfect Storm was absolutely critical to my personal growth and my life’s work. Anything less earth-shattering wouldn’t have been powerful enough to rock me out of my complacency. It has taken over three years to reemerge from the other side of the abyss, and I am profoundly changed. With this transformation comes great Joy. Every day, I am writing, painting, enjoying the challenges of being an entrepreneur, and interacting with incredible women in person and online. I am bringing all of myself to the table in a way I never did when I was a full-time doctor, churning through patients and doing what was expected of me but never quite felt like me. Every day, I am the Lissaest of Lissas- my authentic self. The dreams I just began to imagine a year ago are coming true. What better Joy is there?

How Dad Owned Joy After Loss

My father suffered loss after loss before he died. He was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in his thirties, which led to progressive disability. Then he lost his job as a physician because of his disability, and with it, much of his core identity. Then, when I first found out I was pregnant with Siena, he was under the knife for prostate cancer. And finally, only a few months after the prostate cancer, he wound up with a giant brain tumor that turned out to be metastatic melanoma (with no primary tumor ever discovered). You might think the guy would be a little bitter. But when he was dying, I asked him if he was scared, and he said, “I’m not scaredd. I’m joyful,” which is what we inscribed on the spirit boat memorial we chose for him.

The plaque on Dad's Memorial that reads "I am not scared, I am joyful"

Looking At Life With Fresh Eyes

Most of the time, you can’t undo what you lost. While we might try to hop back into our old life like a baby kangaroo burrowing in her mama’s pouch, this doesn’t work with grief. You have to go through it to get past it. And that takes time. But what you can do- right this very moment- is change how you look at things. You might not be able to change your circumstance, but you can view your circumstance with fresh eyes. My Dad chose not to dwell on his losses. Instead, he looked for the Joy in every moment, every relationship, even small pleasures like spicy chicken wings from Hooters.

How Are You Owning Joy After Loss?

What about you, Pinkies? What have you lost? How has it changed you? What rebirth will happen because of your loss? Is your life true to your authentic self? Have you squelched a dream because it wasn’t “practical?” Is fear keeping you stuck? Loss, while agonizingly painful, is an opportunity. Are you going to snag it?

Post your comments please, and let others find solace, empathy, inspiration, comfort, and friendship in your story.

Rest in Peace, Daddy- you bring me so much joy, even now…. dadlissasienasm