Pinkies, hold on tight for another incredibly powerful post by the original Pink God, Wellness Guru Fred Krazeise. Today, with his usual gentleness and generosity, Fred offers wisdom to Pinkies looking to Own their Bodies and their Pasts (and who among us doesn’t fall into that category?) With deep thanks and without further ado, here’s Fred.
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Sometimes, you have to go a long way out of the way, in order to come back a short distance correctly. – From “The Zoo Story,” by Edward Albee
Time: The Present
I’ve come to my current career very late in my life. After working for many years in both government and in the corporate world, I walked away from that life 5 years ago. I wanted to do something completely different. I wanted to help people in a different way. So, I became a massage therapist and coach, and now just like the character in Albee’s play, I feel that I’m on my proper path and I’m on a collision course with my destiny.
The story doesn’t stop there however. I could be working in a spa somewhere, doing hot stone massage, or lavender salt scrub treatments (which are both great by the way!). No, my path is very different. I work with women who are victims and survivors of abuse and trauma. The majority of my clients are victims of sexual abuse or domestic violence.
In many respects trauma is something that we’ve all experienced to one degree or another. You may have been in or have witnessed an accident or other traumatic event. You might have received invasive surgery. Or, you may have experienced violence at the hand of a partner or spouse. Trauma is all around us, and we are all survivors.
Most of us actually diminish the effects of trauma to the detriment of our physical and emotional health. Victims quickly learn survival and coping skills. They dissociate from their bodies. In extreme cases, they become numb from the effects of drugs or alcohol, and they begin to lose feeling in their bodies. The pain is numbed out, but this process is not selective. Victims also cannot feel joy, and they numb out their capacity to feel safe and alive and enjoy the world around them.
So, the work of the therapist here is, to gently and lovingly, reintroduce touch back to the victim. A sensitive and caring therapist guides clients through this process, asking “Where is the pain or tension?” and always asking permission to touch. Over the course of the work, the client slowly begins to take residence in her body again.
You may think that I have taken an odd or unusual path. I have wondered about that myself, especially in the beginning. When I first started my practice, I wondered, “Why are these women coming to see me? What is it that I’m putting out there?” But as I have moved down this path, the answer became clearer to me, and as you might expect, the answer was really right in front of me all the time.
You see, I have witnessed and have experienced abuse first hand and I too am a survivor of sorts.
Time: The Past
My father was a functional alcoholic. On the surface, he was friendly and gregarious. But, when he drank a very dark side came out. I witnessed my father slamming my sister into a wall and beating her for some infraction that I no longer am able to remember. I routinely cowered in my room; afraid to come out as my father abused my mother, listening to shouting and screaming matches that seemed to go on for hours, but I’m sure were really only minutes.
When I was four years old, I disobeyed my father. I wanted to go outside and play. It had been raining and there was water everywhere. My father said, “Don’t get wet or you will be very sorry!”
I went outside, and as little boys are likely to do, I jumped in puddles and splashed around everywhere.
I got wet. I was soaked to the skin.
When my mother called me for dinner, I got scared. I ran and hid in a little secret garden space in a hedgerow located on the side of our house. Perhaps if I stayed there long enough I would dry. But, I was so wet that I began to shiver. I sat there, listening to my mother call me, and then my father. I heard footsteps and then I saw my father’s face. He saw that I was soaked.
The last thing I remember was the look of anger on his face as grabbed my arm and pulled me violently into the air. I vaguely remember the first blow, and I have no further recollections after that. I have tried over the years to remember, but the memories are completely blacked out. I can remember, several hours later, seeing my father in the darkened living room watching television. I remember walking over to the sofa, asking him if I could sit next to him, and asking him if he still loved me. But, I cannot remember anything else. Those minutes, those moments, are completely lost to me.
As I grew older, the yelling, screaming and fighting continued. When I was sixteen, it finally stopped.
It was a particularly violent argument. My father had been drinking again and the usual scene was being played out. I was in my room, fearing the worst when I heard my father say to my mother, “I’m going to kill you.” I will never forget those words.
The rest is a blur to me, but I remember running to the kitchen and stepping in between my father and mother. I stared into his eyes and saw the rage.
I was terrified when I said, “Don’t you touch my mother.”
My fists clenched and I was ready to take the first blow, but I was determined that this would end, right then and there.
He just stared at me. Once again, time seemed to stop for me. It seemed like an eternity. My father mumbled something. I stiffened, ready to fight back, my fists clenched. He mumbled something again, and then he softened and turned away. My mother just looked at me and said, “Go to bed. It’s ok.”
That was the last violent time I remember. Yes, there were the disagreements that most families have. But, the screaming and the shouting stopped. I felt I could breathe at last. We all could.
Time: The Present. A Typical Session.
Working with trauma victims / survivors is very different. It’s not a typical massage session.
Initial sessions are usually done with the client fully clothed and every session is different, and tailored to the specific needs of my clients. There is no protocol, no cookbook. I do start with the detailed physical and medical history, and I ask a lot of questions about a client’s emotional health. I need to understand what she is ready for, and what she is willing to undertake. I usually ask a very simple question. “Is there anything in your past that you would feel comfortable sharing with me today?”
I almost always start with some sort of visualization and breathing exercise. I ask the client to take stock of her body, to scan it and I ask if there is any place that feels pain, tension, or feels empty. The client has to set the tone of the session. It is her session, not mine. She sets the pace. I will ask if there is an area of her body where she would like to receive work, and then I ask if she would like some contact in that area.
Sometimes, I will ask her to touch the part of her body where she would like to receive work. Permission is always required, as the goal of the session is to bring the client back into her body, to reconnect the mind and body, and to awaken the client. Throughout this process, I’m constantly checking in with the client to identify any feelings that may be taking shape.
The most important aspect of the work is to pay attention and be exceptionally present for her. This is not the time for me to be thinking about the errands I have to run on my way home from the office, or what I have to do tomorrow, or what I’d like to have for dinner or lunch. I am constantly monitoring my client’s reactions to see how my touch affects her. Is she clenching her teeth, her fists? Is her brow furrowed? Has her breathing pattern changed?
Subtle touch and energy modalities such as Reiki and Cranial Sacral Therapy can also be effective. I have taught Reiki to clients – there are a number of self-healing and grounding exercises that can help to restore a person. I also focus on mindfulness and teach conscious breathing and other meditative practices to help a client live in this moment, in this now. Over time, they learn to live one day at a time.
It takes time. But, a sensitive therapist, within the therapeutic environment, can help a client fully connect mind and body, and help the client to safely release the sensations associated with the trauma or abuse. It is only through this kind of release that you can truly heal. Unless you completely let go, your body continues to experience the trauma at a subconscious level. When we fully let go of the pain of our past, we can embrace life in the present, and experience the love and beauty of living in the moment.
Where to turn for help:
You’re scared. You’re frightened. You feel alone and feel that you have no place to go.
But, you are not alone and you can get help. Most major metropolitan areas have rape crisis centers. There are also resources for domestic violence.
In an emergency: Call 911 if you need immediate assistance of if you’ve already been hurt.
For advice and support: If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a nonprofit organization that provides crisis intervention, information and referral to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends and families. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.
For rape or sexual assault: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. At any given moment, more than 1,100 trained volunteers are on duty and available to help victims at RAINN-affiliated crisis centers across the country.
To reach a qualified counselor for help, call 1-800-656-HOPE.
For a safe place to stay: Contact your state’s branch of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or another local organization. For contact information, visit http://womenshealth.gov/violence/state/index.cfm
If you are being abused please remember:
- You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
- You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
- You deserve to be treated with respect.
- You deserve a safe and happy life.
- Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
- You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
If you are a survivor, it is indeed possible to reclaim your body and reconnect to your spirit. It takes courage, and it can be done.
Forgiveness
As for me, I’m still working to reclaim the memories of that four year old boy. I want those memories back, even if they are painful. They are mine. They have made me who I am today. I want to know what happened. I need to know what happened so that I will never forget. I own those memories, and I will recover them.
Over time, I forgave my father. I never fully understood why he would boil over in such a rage when he drank. Perhaps it was something in his childhood. He rarely would share his emotions or his experiences. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he lost both of his parents when he was only 5 years old.
Or perhaps his rage was caused by his experiences in WWII. He fought with the US Army throughout Europe and would never, ever talk about what he did, or what he saw. Post-traumatic stress syndrome was barely known back then. They called it “shell shock,” or “battle fatigue,” and treatment was inconsistent and usually ineffective.
There always was an uneasy tension between us created by the memory of that night when I was 16 years old. My father is an enigma to me and I will never know him. He passed away in 1984. We spent the intervening years with small talk and chit chat. We never, ever talked about that night, or about any of the hundreds of nights when there was anger and violence. He’s gone now, and I missed my opportunity to get to know and understand him.
If he were here today, I would have the courage to reach out to him. I have different skills now, and I’m a much different person. It is the courage that only comes from having traveled a long way out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.
Peace,
Fred
This is one of a series of posts written during my retreat at Harbin Hot Springs last week.
