Posts Tagged ‘tantric sexuality’

How to Please a Woman in Bed

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

orgasm2Hiya Pinkies,

Here’s an article I recently wrote for www.tellinitlikeitis.net about how to make love to a woman. When Lin Burress, the site’s founder, approached me to write this piece, I felt myself blush. After all, I’m a gynecologist, not a sexpert.  Wouldn’t she be better served by asking some Casanova or, better yet, a lesbian? As the Pink Doctor of Mojo, I’m all about helping women embrace joy and get in touch with their authentic selves. But how to please a woman in bed? Hmmm. My husband and I were just in the bedroom last night, working on making our own sex life a bit more exciting, so I can honestly say I’m no sexual rock star.

However, after thinking about it for a while I realized, to my surprise, that after ten years of working with women and teaching Pink workshops, I guess I have learned a thing or two on the topic. Listen up, partners of Pinkies: if you’re aiming to satisfy a woman in the sack, we girls beg you, pay attention.

20 Tips For Making a Woman Quiverorgasm

  1. Every woman is different. If your super duper signature technique had your last girlfriend hanging from the chandeliers and bellowing out to Mother Mary, good for you. But don’t expect the same thing to work on your new lover.  Our bodies- and needs- vary drastically. One size does not fit all.
  2. A woman’s body is like an old beater car in subzero weather. It takes a while to warm her up.  Don’t expect a warm welcome if you go from zero to sixty straight to her coochie. Foreplay will take you far. Our bodies sometimes need a little coaxing. So often we live completely in our heads. Our minds are spinning with thoughts about work, the kids, and tomorrow’s to-do list. If you help bring us into our bodies by arousing different erogenous zones, like the ears, the lips, the breasts, the inner thigh, the belly button, even the toes, you help remind us that our bodies can offer pleasure if we only inhabit them.
  3. Love her and earn her trust.  For most women, sex and love get all tangled. Not to say there aren’t some Samanthas out there who love to just get it on. But for most of us, we see sex as an expression of love, and if we don’t feel nurtured by you, we may not get all hot and bothered when you want to shake the sheets.  Love her well and earn her trust. Pleasure will likely follow.
  4. Set the mood in the bedroom.  Surprise her with candles, mood music, and a flower on her pillow. Whisper sweet nothings. Don’t serve up silly platitudes, but say what you feel. When we cover our hands with our bellies and try to turn off the light, tell us we’re beautiful, just the way we are. Share how much you care. Romance gets her in the mood and helps her relax.
  5. Know a woman’s anatomy. Need help? Take the Pretty Pink Pussy Tour.
  6. Think sensually, not sexually.  Immerse yourself in the sensory experience of her and find your own timing together.
  7. Give your partner permission to offer feedback, and don’t take it personally. If your partner doesn’t respond to something you’re doing, it doesn’t reflect on your skill as a lover. It just doesn’t work for her unique anatomy and physiology.  If you act dejected every time she offers you feedback, she’s likely to stop trying to help you please her. Accept constructive criticism lovingly.
  8. Fine tune your radar. Even if you invite your partner to offer feedback, she may not feel comfortable talking about sex.  Many of us have been so conditioned to consider sex taboo that we clam up when the subject arises. Learn to read your partner’s subtle signals, and over time, you will discover what pleases her.  Little grunts and moans usually signal YES, and while silence may simply signal shyness, it may also mean that what you’re doing isn’t working for her. Pay attention to body language too. When she moves towards you, it’s a good sign, and if she adjusts her body to a different angle, she might be trying to show you where she wants you to be.
  9. female-orgasmBe gentle and go slow. There’s no race to the finish line here. Remember how sensitive girl parts are. Don’t mash on us (unless we ask you to! We are, after all women. We might change our minds). Start slow, then gently pick up the pace as you go. Don’t start bangin’ us around like you’re trying to get to home base before we’ve even gotten up to bat. You may get sprung in 10 seconds flat, but chances are, we’re still thinking about how little Johnny’s teacher thinks he needs a reading tutor, or whether we’re prepared for that big presentation at work tomorrow.  Be patient with us and our monkey minds.
  10. Do not take it personally if your lover doesn’t orgasm during intercourse Some lucky women get off from the mere thought of intercourse, but the majority of women do not experience orgasm through intercourse alone. If you expend so much energy trying to make her cum while you’re having intercourse, you may miss the rich opportunity to satisfy her in other ways. Sure, try your darnedest to please your woman. But don’t pressure her. Many women will not orgasm during intercourse, even with the most skilled partner.
  11. There may or may not be a G-Spot. While some women swear by the G-Spot and experience vaginal orgasms, most women can only orgasm during intercourse if they’ve figured out a way to directly stimulate the clitoris.  For more about stimulating the G-spot, check out The G-Spot: Fact or Fiction?
  12. kama_sutra_2Pull out the Kama Sutra. No need to focus all your energy on making her orgasm during intercourse, but why not try?  Check out some books about sexual positions and have fun experimenting. You never know what might hit the spot for your lover. Be creative.
  13. NEVER EVER compare her to another woman. I don’t care what the hell Jane or Sally or Maryanne liked in bed, and neither does your lover. If you think about other women when you’re making love to yours, please- for the love of God- keep your thoughts to yourself.
  14. Most women love oral sex. To a woman, it just doesn’t get much better than this. Soft, wet tongue meets delicate pink pearl? Can you hear us purr? We love it even more if we think you do too. Start gently. Explore the inner thighs, the labia, the opening to the vagina. When her body language indicates that she’s ready, lick, suck, and swirl her clitoris in circles, mixed with up and down motions.  Use your hands to explore the rest of her.
  15. Help your partner out. If you lover prefers to orgasm during intercourse, stimulate her first with oral sex to help sensitize her delicate organs.  Encourage her to explore positions that stimulate her clitoris, such as the woman-on-top position. Use your hands to touch her while you’re having intercourse, or invite her to touch herself. She knows best what feels good, and if you tell her how much it turns you on to see her touch herself, she may feel more comfortable augmenting her own pleasure.
  16. Just because you’re done doesn’t mean she is. If your orgasm is over, don’t assume hers is too.  Maybe she was holding out so she could orgasm during intercourse, but if you cum before she does, no stress. Just finish the job and help her feel as good as you do.
  17. rabbitInvite her favorite sex toy into the bedroom. Did you see what happened to Charlotte from Sex and the City when she discovered The Rabbit? Don’t make her go undercover with her vibrator. The sex toys are your friends, not your competition. Let them stimulate both of you, and encourage her to explore.
  18. Get Tantric or explore Taoist sexuality. Want to elevate your lovemaking to a spiritual plane? Check out Tantric or Taoist sexuality.
  19. Remember that sex is meant to be about making love. Don’t get so focused on technique that you forget to connect.  Look deep into her eyes. Caress her lovingly. Tell her how you feel. Hug her. Love her.
  20. Cuddle when it’s over. Please don’t jump up and go watch the game. We make ourselves vulnerable, put ourselves out there, and want to know you’re still with us when it’s over. Snuggle in and stick around a while.

You still there, Pinkies, or has your honey dragged you upstairs? If you still need a few more tips, check out A Pink Guide to Orgasm by Mojo Mentor Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams.

With great pleasure,

Lissa

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Posted in Healthy Thursday, Owning Sexuality, Owning Your Body | 9 Comments »

A Pink Guide to Orgasm by Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

Me and my honey, Matt

Me and my honey, Matt

Let me introduce the first of the Pink Posse, an amazing collection of experts who are here to help you Own the various aspects of being female.  First I have to tell you a quick story about how I met this particular physician. Many of you who have read my Owning Pink blog from the beginning know about how profoundly my trip to Esalen last spring affected me. I had a feeling I was supposed to meet someone at Esalen- and as it turns out, I met SO many amazing peeps that I have no clue which one karmically drew me to Esalen. But within 5 minutes of arriving at Esalen, one woman said, “Oh, you need to meet Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams.”  Since then, I have heard those words echoed time and time again, so I finally connected with Rachel this month.  And OMG!  She’s like my long lost twin.  I mean, we kind of look alike (only she’s prettier!), and we’re the same age, and we’re both integrative medicine doctors and authors. But beyond that, I had this very comforting sense that we just KNOW each other, on a soul level. Like we’ve met before, many times. Past lives? I don’t know.  But something about meeting her rocked my core. Wow.

So with that as an introduction, here she is, Pinkies!  Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, author of The Multi-Orgasmic Woman and founder of the Santa Cruz Integrative Medicine and Chi Center, and she’s going to answer some questions today about the Big O to help you Own Sexuality.  (Big round of applause, please!)

Why do so many women complain that they can’t have an orgasm? What is the biggest obstacle, in your opinion?

About 25% of women have never had an orgasm and fully two-thirds of women cannot orgasm when they want to, so this is really a majority of the population! There are two major obstacles to having an orgasm.  The first is that many women do not have the detailed information they need about their pleasure anatomy in order to unlock their orgasmic potential. The second is that they are either inhibited about exploring their own bodies or are not able to fully trust and surrender to a partner in order to allow an orgasm to unfold.

Your book is very graphic and teaches women to know their bodies. Do you believe women are still shy about their bodies? What should women know about their bodies that would greatly improve their sex lives?

I think that women are still quite shy about the sexual aspect of their bodies, whether or not they are not shy about revealing their bodies to another person. Our culture still holds the mistaken belief that our sexual pleasure is the responsibility of another person—our sexual partner, boyfriend, husband—I even see this dynamic in lesbian couples. We are all responsible for our own orgasm, literally. We need to understand what we need for pleasure and be able to communicate that effectively to our partners in order for them to please us. Most partners really do want us to enjoy ourselves, but don’t always know how to go about helping us. Exploring one’s own pleasure zones and kindly communicating what you need to a partner can go a long way toward creating a mutually exciting and evolving sexual relationship. This does mean, of course, that you need choose partners who want to please you sexually—why, really would you want to gift them with your body if they don’t? In terms of specific anatomical advice about finding sexual pleasure, The Multi-Orgasmic Woman goes into great detail about the wonders of the female body and how you can happily own your own pleasure.

Some therapists say having an orgasm isn’t so important if the woman is enjoying sex anyway. Do you agree?

I certainly agree that orgasm is not the point of sex—the point of sex is connection and pleasure. Some of the advice that I give to women who don’t have orgasms, is to stop thinking about trying to have an orgasm and to follow their pleasure. Orgasm is really just an expanded form of pleasure and can take many forms—some of which don’t seem like “an orgasm”. Orgasm for women can be long and undulating or simply a prolonged plateau of pleasure. Many women who don’t think they orgasm but really enjoy sex actually DO orgasm—they just don’t realize that their experience is a form of orgasm, because it doesn’t look like the typical male pattern of explosive, singular orgasm. When sex is happening in an organic and creative way, no one is thinking about orgasm!

What are some of the physical and psychological benefits of having orgasms frequently and having a healthy sex life?

According to medical research people who are sexually active live longer, are sick less often, and are less depressed than similar people who are not sexually active. There are many reasons for this. We are communal beings and are made, physiologically, to benefit from physical touch. Levels of oxytocin, which helps with feelings of calm and contentment and decreases stress, go up when one is touched (or is touching) someone they love. With sex and orgasm, DHEA, estrogen and testosterone peak. These hormones act as anti-depressants and help with clear thinking. Sex releases endorphins which reduce levels of pain. A vigorous bout of sex burns 200 calories—what a way to lose weight! Sex is one of the peak human experiences for which we are created and when it is in the context of caring and love, is extraordinarily healing for our minds and bodies.

Do women have a sexual peak? Can they maintain the same level of pleasure (or increase it) throughout their lives?

I have, literally, seen women reach their “peak” at 30, then again at 40 and even at 75! Sex, thank God, is a human expression that we get to grow with throughout our lives. Sex as we age may not look like the cartoon versions of “hot sex” that we see in the movies (which are VERY unlikely to be satisfying for the woman as they too quick!), but sexual life can unfold and transform into affection, warmth, pleasure and spiritual connection that is just as exciting at 75 as it is at 35. It is very important not to hang on to rigid expectations of what sex has to look like to be “good”.

How can men help women be happier in bed?

I know this is cliché’d, but don’t rush! If you really feel this way, tell her how much you care about her, how attractive you find her, and how devoted you are to her enjoyment—nothing is more sexy! Women need to feel that they can open to and trust their partner, so be trustworthy. Be patient (and help!) as she explores her body and finds her pleasure. Having expectations of her orgasms is not helpful. And, by the way, if she does not have an orgasm, it is not your fault! Learn what you can about her pleasure anatomy and be willing to teach her about yours. Ask for what you need and be willing to be vulnerable. Women love that.

You mention a few exercises that can help improve sex. Which ones are the best and which ones can be recommended for all women?

All women can benefit from learning about and exploring their pleasure anatomy. I also think that strengthening, relaxing and even becoming aware of the PC (pubococcygeus) muscle is important to sexual pleasure as it makes orgasm and multiple orgasm much more likely.

Are multiple orgasms easy to achieve?

If it were easy, there would be no need for a book! Only 20 % of women have multiple orgasms, so it takes a bit of knowledge and experience, as well as being open to the possibility, to have multiple orgasms. I think that most women are capable of having fulfilling, multi-orgasmic sex, but my real intention is to help women be so intimately in touch with their pleasure and their power, that they have meaningful, connected, expansive sexual experiences that are, essentially, beyond orgasm.

Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD

Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD

Be sure to read Rachel’s amazing books The Multi-Orgasmic Woman and The Multi-Orgasmic Couple.  (There’s The Multi-Orgasmic Man, too, written by Rachel’s hunky husband, if there are any Pink God’s out there feeling jealous of us girls and all our orgasms!)

With Oh!Oh!Oh!Oh!Oh so much love,

Rachel & Lissa

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Posted in Alternative Health, Finding Mojo, Owning Health, Owning Sexuality, Owning Surrender, Personal Empowerment | 6 Comments »

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