A Gutsy Guide to Getting Your Mojo Back

Howdy, Pinkies.  Not to obsess about sex, but I wanted to follow through on the promise I made to one of our Pinkies, who commented on How Much Sex Is Enough? I promised you I would post the sexual personality quiz from Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams & Mantak Chia’s book  The Multi-Orgasmic Woman, published by Rodale, so here it is:

Sexuality

1)    How frequently do you make love with a partner or masturbate?

1.     Almost never

2.     One to two times a month

3.     One to two times a week

4.     Three times a week or more

2)    Compare the frequency of your sexual experiences now (either partnered lovemaking or masturbation) to a period of your life when you felt the most sexual desire.  Your sexual frequency now is

1.     Much less frequent than at the height of your desire

2.     Somewhat less frequent than at the height of your desire

3.     Almost as frequent as at the height of your desire

4.     The most frequent that it has ever been

3)    After lovemaking, what percentage of the time do you feel completely satisfied?

1.     Less than 25%

2.     About 50%

3.     About 75%

4.     Almost 100%

4)    What best describes your orgasmic pattern?

1.     I am never or rarely orgasmic. 

2.     I sometimes orgasm.

3.     I usually orgasm but cannot regularly have multiple orgasms.

4.     I have multiple orgasms whenever I desire them.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.

Sexuality:  _______

Bodily Comfort

5)       How comfortable are you being naked with a lover?

1.         I prefer to be partially dressed or have the lights out when naked.

2.        I am somewhat comfortable being naked with a lover.

3.         I am usually comfortable being naked with a lover.

4.         I almost always enjoy sharing my body with a lover.

6)    How do you relate to your body?

1.     I hate my body and/or regularly consider extreme means (surgical or other) by which to make my body acceptable to me.

2.     I sometimes feel good in my body but often criticize myself for how I look.

3.     I usually feel good in my body but sometimes criticize myself for how I look.

4.     I love being in my body and appreciate all it can feel and do.

7)    How comfortable do you feel touching your genitals?

1.     I touch myself only when it is absolutely necessary.

2.     I am somewhat comfortable touching my genitals but have rarely touched myself for pleasure.

3.     I occasionally self-pleasure or masturbate.

4.     I frequently self-pleasure and enjoy touching myself alone and when with my partner.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.                         

Bodily Comfort:  _______

Sexual Past

    My family or families of origin educated me about sexuality in an open and loving way.

1.     This is not at all true.

2.     This is somewhat true.

3.     This is mostly true.

4.     This is completely true.

9)    My family or families of origin had appropriate boundaries around sexual discussion and behavior so that I felt safe developing as a sexual being.

1.     This is not at all true.

2.     This is somewhat true.

3.     This is mostly true.

4.     This is completely true.

10)  In my life

1.     I have been raped or been the victim of incest.

2.     I have often agreed to sex when I didn’t want to.

3.     I have occasionally agreed to sex when I didn’t want to.

4.     I have almost never had sex when I didn’t want to.

11) I have enjoyed

1.     Very few of my sexual encounters.

2.     Some of my sexual encounters.

3.     Most of my sexual encounters.

4.     Almost all of my sexual encounters.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.                         

Sexual Past:  _______

Partner Profile

12) My current or previous partner and I discuss(ed) our sexual life in an open and constructive way

1.     Never.

2.     Rarely.

3.     Occasionally.

4.     Regularly.

13) The following best describes my current or past relationship(s):

1.     I am often afraid that I will be hurt by my partner and do not trust him/her with my body or emotions.

2.     I sometimes trust my partner with my body and pleasure but am afraid of being hurt physically or emotionally.

3.     I can usually trust my partner with my body and pleasure.

4.     I completely trust my partner with my body and pleasure.

14) The following best describes myself in my current (or most recent) relationship:

1.     I almost never ask for or show (with my body or sounds) what I want from my partner sexually.

2.     I have difficulty asking for or showing what I want sexually.

3.     I can usually ask for or show what I want sexually.

4.     I almost always ask for or show what I want sexually.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.                         

Partner Profile:  _______

Physical Health

15) I consider my physical health to be

1.     Poor.

2.     Fair.

3.     Good.

4.     Excellent.

16) I exercise for at least 20 minutes

1.     Almost never.

2.     Once a week to once a month.

3.     One to two times a week.

4.     Three times a week or more.

17) The optimal diet for each person is somewhat different but nearly everyone needs a balance of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean protein sources and whole grains.  Most of us need to limit sweets, saturated (solid) fats, cholesterol (animal fat), processed foods (which usually contain the above) and fast food.  Given these guidelines, I consider my diet to be

1.     Poor.

2.     Fair.

3.     Good.

4.     Excellent.

18)      Many medical conditions and normal hormonal changes can affect one’s libido and orgasmic ability.  After reviewing the list of these conditions (listed at the end of this quiz), I have

1.         Four or more conditions that can affect my sexual health.

2.         Two to three conditions that can affect my sexual health.

3.         One condition that can affect my sexual health.

4.         None of the conditions on the list.

19) All of the drugs listed at the end of the book, both recreational and prescription, can affect your sexual and physical health.  After reviewing the list, I note that I am taking

1.     Four or more drugs that may affect my sexual health.

2.     Two to three drugs that may affect my sexual health.

3.     One drug that may affect my sexual health.

4.     None of the drugs on the list.

 Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.                         

Physical Health:  _______

SCROLL DOWN TO VERY BOTTOM TO READ RESULTS

 Common Medical Conditions that can Decrease Libido or Orgasmic Function

 Addison’s disease

Alcoholism

Anxiety

Asthma (severe)

Cancer of any kind

Chronic fatigue

Chronic infections

Chronic pain

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

Cigarette smoking

Depression

Diabetes mellitus

Drug addiction of any kind

Eating disorders

Fibromyalgia

Heart disease

Hypercholesterolemia

Hypertension

Hypothyroidism (low thyroid)

Kidney failure

Multiple sclerosis

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Panic disorder

Parkinson’s disease

Schizophrenia

Seizure disorder

Sleep deprivation

Stroke

Systemic lupus

Temporal lobe epilepsy

Vascular disease

Common Hormonal States that Can Decrease Libido or Orgasmic Function

Breastfeeding

Menopause

Surgical removal of the ovaries

Common Surgeries and Injuries that May Decrease Libido or Orgasmic Function

Pelvic surgery of any kind (including hysterectomy)

Straddle injuries (falling onto a pole or beam with legs spread and injuring one’s pubic area)

Pelvic fractures or trauma

Extensive bicycle riding

Spinal chord injuries

Common Drugs that May Decrease Your Libido

Recreational Drugs that may Inhibit Orgasm

Alcohol (more than one 12 oz beer, 4oz wine, 1 shot hard liquor a day)

Cigarettes

Speed, Cocaine, Crack, “Uppers”

Heroin, “Downers”

Ecstacy

Common Drugs that may Inhibit Orgasm

How do you interpret this quiz?  For a really amazing, complete discussion of the results of this quiz, please read Rachel’s book.  She teaches sexuality workshops and worked hard to determine what these results mean. My interpretations are pale by comparison and not nearly as brilliant. And they’re my own personal opinion, modified from Rachel’s breakdown of the quiz results. So please read Rachel’s answers, but I didn’t want to leave you hangin’. Here’s my 2 cents.

Sexuality- <10- This website will be a great place to find help as you discover or re-discover your sexual pleasure.  The most important thing is that you’re seeking answers and awakening yourself to your desire.  Whether your challenges lie in improving your libido, connecting more deeply with your partner, or getting in touch with your orgasmic potential, there are things that can help.  Maybe you’ve had more fulfilling sexuality in your past and you want to reconnect with it, or maybe you’re coming into your own for the first time. Either way, there’s lots of room to grow and we’ll all help each other do that.

 10 or more- Your starting from a good place, but you may be seeking to deepen your sexual journey.  Maybe your sex life is very satisfying already but you’d like to take it to another level.  Maybe you’re having orgasms but you’d like to try for multiple orgasms, or maybe you’re hoping to find more of a spiritual connection through your sexual life.  We will all learn from each other, and those of you who scored high on this part of the test may help teach the rest of us.

Bodily comfort- <8  Almost every American woman feels uncomfortable in her own skin. The ideal for beauty has been raised to such an artificial standard that few women feel completely comfortable in their bodies.  If you scored less than eight, you’re not alone, but you can’t expect to maximize your sexual potential until you learn to feel comfortable in your body.  Every body- regardless of what you look like- is capable and deserving of giving and receiving pleasure.  Your body is sacred, and living up to your sexual potential can benefit your life and health on many levels. The first step is learning to live in your body with gratitude.

Bodily comfort 8 or more- Even if you’re relatively comfortable in your body, you probably still criticize it.  If you’re one of the few women who truly love your body, congratulations. Somehow, you’ve managed to escape the constant media pressure to look and be a certain way, and it will serve you well sexually.  Some of the sexiest women are not what society would deem beautiful.  Instead of having perfect features and a flawless body, they radiate confidence and desirability in the way they move, the way they speak, and how they behave when they’re feeling desirable.  There’s nothing sexier.  Studies have shown that sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with weight.  In fact, the models with the perfect bodies often have such low hormone levels and low self-esteem that their sex lives are nearly nonexistent.  Every body is capable and deserving of healthy sexuality.

 The first step to sexual nirvana is taking a break from criticizing your body.  Whenever critical thoughts emerge in your mind, try to find a way to turn it into gratitude for your body.  Instead of thinking, “What fat thighs I have,” think “What lovely soft flesh for my lover to grab onto.”  Over time, this kind of reprogramming can affect how you think about your body and help you tap into your desire.  Anyone who feels more desirable will find it easier to feel desire. 

 Learning to feel comfortable touching your own genitals is also very important to fueling your sexual desire.  Unless you learn to masturbate, you will be dependent on your partner for your sexual needs, and inevitably, desire between partners may not always be equal.  If only your partner can bring you pleasure, you will need to control your partner to have your needs met, and your partner may not want to be controlled.  So certainly, asking for what you want and need is critical, but showing your partner what you want and need can be even more effective.

Sexual past- <9  Your sexual past very much affects your sexual present.  We carry sexual traumas deep within us, and they can manifest as feeling unsafe or emotionally distant during lovemaking.  They can also cause sexual dysfunction, pain, and a variety of other gynecologic abnormalities.  Chinese medicine teaches us that sexual trauma, or even something as seemingly benign as being taught that your sex organs are “dirty” can block the flow of life force, or chi, through the genitals and manifest as emotional or physical problems.  Negative associations with sexuality can also inhibit libido and orgasm, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change this.  Getting help from friends, partners, and therapists can really help.  If you are having sexual difficulties and have been a victim of rape or incest in the past, I highly recommend seeing a counselor who can help you process these experiences.  I also recommend talking about it with those who love you.  Freeing yourself from the hold your traumas may have over your vital sexual self can be truly healing.

If you scored <9, it’s important-RIGHT NOW- to stop having sex when you don’t want to.  If you’re forcing yourself to engage in sex when you’re not feeling desirous, your body learns to shut itself off, and the only way to reprogram it to feel desire once more is to nurture your body and teach it that you will protect it.  Your body needs to learn that all sexual touch is safe.  You can start by engaging in masturbation rituals to make sure your body truly knows it is safe.  This can encourage the kind of flowering and opening that the body needs in order to open itself to a partner. You may benefit from counseling, and if you’re in a relationship, couples therapy or sex therapy may be truly beneficial.  

Sexual past- 9 or more- You are blessed with a sexual past that will allow you to focus on the present as you nourish your unfolding sexual journey.  Few women are lucky enough to live through their past without some negative sexual associations, but if you have managed to live in the world unscathed by your past, you will probably find the journey to sexual nirvana much easier.  But even those without sexual traumas in their past may be held up by cultural and familial beliefs that no longer serve them.  Think about whether there is something in your past that is keeping you from giving yourself up to completely sexual abandon. 

Partner profile- <8  Unless your partnership is grounded in complete trust, you will never achieve your sexual potential.  To attain sexual nirvana, we must know, without a doubt, that our partner will not harm us, in any way- emotionally or physically.  Sometimes we don’t trust our partners, not because our partners are untrustworthy, but because we’ve been hurt or betrayed before.  If you know that your partner is trustworthy, you may want to discuss any past hurts or thoughts that may be preventing you from opening yourself to complete trust.  If you find it difficult to discuss these things verbally, try writing a letter to your partner about what you want sexually and what you need to feel safe.  Keep in mind that everyone feels vulnerable when they’re naked.  Try to offer suggestions for what you like, rather than being critical of what you don’t like. 

Partner profile- 8 or more- If you feel completely trusting in your relationship, this will serve you very well as your move forward with trying to achieve your sexual potential.  But even in the best relationship, there are ways to facilitate open communication.  If you feel safe in your relationship, you can be truly honest, as long as you’re gentle.  Don’t ever fake orgasms or pretend you like something you don’t.  It may be difficult to talk about, but being honest about your sexual desires, as well as any fears that may be inhibiting you, can open your relationship to a whole new level of intimacy. 

Physical Health- <12- If you are struggling with libido or orgasm, it’s very likely that some of your struggle revolves around your physical health.  If you’re not exercising, find a way to get started.  Regular exercise can improve your health on many levels.  If you’re not eating a healthy, balanced diet, think about changing your diet.  If you’re engaging in addictive behaviors, try to stop.  Finding a good doctor to help you optimize your health can do wonders for your sex life.  Integrative medicine doctors like the ones at my practice in the Bay area and Rachel Abram’s practice in Santa Cruz are particularly well suited to help you heal the whole you.  When your body feels well, your sexual energy is more available to you.

Physical health 12 or more- You’re blessed with reasonably good health, which is vital to healthy sexuality.  Maintaining your good health will be critical to maximizing your sexual potential as you age.

How’d you do, Pinkies?  Want to share your thoughts? Have questions? Pretty please post your comments below.  We all benefit from talking about this stuff, and it’s time to shine some Pink light on the dark corners of our sex lives.

Here’s to the big O!

Lissa (with loads of help from Rachel’s awesome book, The Multi-Orgasmic Woman). For more about Rachel Abrams, read about her in the Pink Posse bios.

If you like Rachel’s style (and who wouldn’t? She’s da bomb) read her Q&A about Sex & Orgasm.