This is one of a series of posts I wrote during my retreat at Harbin Hot Springs in early December. I just wanted to share it with you.
I am at Harbin, the birthplace of Watsu (water shiatsu) and it seems criminal not to experience this delicious and unique type of body work- but I am scarred. I received Watsu once before, when I was newly postpartum and my father had just died. It was, at once, one of the best and worst experiences of my life. On one level, it was completely nurturing to be held in the arms of a trusted practitioner, while she swirled me through warm water and held me close in a womb-like environment. I felt so tended and loved that I sobbed through my journey. On another level, I got so motion sick that I wanted to puke- and I don’t do nausea well. After just completing a pregnancy, my threshold was low, and I dreaded having that feeling again.
Nonetheless, I am here at Harbin, where Watsu was conceived, and I feel like I must try it again. It’s been almost four years. Perhaps it will be different this time. And so I agree to do it. My friend & Mojo Mentor Tricia Barrett is gifting me this experience, and she has chosen Nico, a Watsu provider who has nurtured her before. I am open.
As we begin, Nico puts floats around my ankles and cradles me under my arms, so that I’m floating, eyes closed, in the warm mineral springs both. With my face above the water, he spins and swirls me in gentle circles, as my spine undulates under water. Using his hands, he presses on acupressure points, while the rest of me floats, weightless, in the womb-like pool.
To really experience Watsu, you must surrender completely. You must release control of your muscles and trust your practitioner. It feels quite vulnerable. Not only did I have to let go of my muscles, but I also had to surrender my inhibitions, as we were both naked in a pool. I’ve never been held by a naked man who was not my lover, but his gentle presence and the sacred space he created allowed me to let go. It is- as much as anything else- an exercise in release- releasing tension, releasing fear, releasing what no longer serves you.
After an hour of nurturing Watsu, I am invited to apply a noseplug and begin a water dance with Nico. When he taps me three times, it’s my signal to hold my breath, so he can take me underwater and help me surrender even further. I am undulating like a dolphin. I am curled in the fetal position and rolled underwater. I am rocked and held- and suddenly, I am transported into an altered state where Nico becomes my father, who passed away nearly four years ago, just before my first Watsu experience.
I don’t remember ever being held in the naked arms of my father, but I’m sure it happened at some time in infancy. Now, the forty-year-old me is held by the angel of my father, and I am rocked, held against his chest so that the chest hair tickles my cheek. The tears begin to flow. I have missed my father so much. It is so lovely to have him back. He floats me around the pool, guiding me safely through the underwater world that has always frightened me but doesn’t now. I feel disoriented, weightless and unanchored, but I don’t care. I am safe with my father, and I know he will protect me.
When the movement is finished, he holds me into a ball and gently presses my back against the back of the pool. Slowly, he guides one foot onto the floor of the pool, then the other- and for the first time in an hour and a half, I am standing on my own two feet, but I am still held. Then a hand touches my chest, pushing me gently away, and the sobs come. “No, Daddy. Don’t go. Please don’t leave me again. Please, won’t you stay?”
But the hand releases, and I am alone standing in a warm pool as the spirit of my father says, “You don’t need me to hold you anymore. I am always with you. You are never alone. You must stand on your own two feet and navigate this world by yourself. You carry inside of you half of my DNA and all of my strength and courage. You need not cling to the past. You may move into your power without me in the physical realm. I am so proud of you and all you’re doing.”
And then he is gone. And I can’t stop crying.
When I open my eyes, I am alone in the pool, free to cry without restriction, to let it all go, to surrender to the wave of sadness and loneliness, to relish the moment of having my father back with me, to feel my body in it’s jelly-like state, to BE.
And then Nico is back, and we hug. And I am moving forward in my life. This powerful healing is opening something within, something hard to define in words. But it is freeing, a liberation of the soul, an awakening of the heart, an invitation to fully experience what’s next, knowing that my father is with me always.
Still floating,
Lissa
