I’ve never had that nightmare where I’m standing on stage naked, paralyzed in the footlights and the audience’s howling laughter. I was born and eventually bred to be a performer, and a big, open stage has always felt like home. But I wasn’t brought up to improvise. I was brought up to plan, to weigh everything from my produce to my decisions carefully. Whether it was in dance class or in algebra, I was taught to follow the steps very, very closely. No one ever suggested that I play with them or, God forbid, make them up completely as I went along.

Unraveling

Unravel, unravel, unravel. I am unraveling yet again. Everything feels off, nothing feels right, yet I can't point my finger to what it is. It makes me afraid. Afraid of letting go of a last tight grip on what I believed to be true, to be the way, to be the me. I am scared because I don't know what's beyond the unraveling. Mostly it feels like I'm outgrowing my clothes, literally and figuratively, and the storefront I keep (my business) no longer fits as neatly and sweetly. Clearly something has shifted inside, and therefore, something gotta shift on the outside. But what?

Tossing And Turning

Hello Dear Pinkies. An exhausted Joy here with you today. I was awake in the wee hours of the night, my head spinning with thoughts of all that I must accomplish between now and 2010. I’m making my first Thanksgiving dinner next week, then flying to the east coast that night for an abbreviated trip that will include a dear friend’s wedding and visits with family and friends. I’m also hoping to be certified as an integral coach in January, for which I have pages and pages of cases and book summaries and essays to write by the end of December. And oh, the winter holidays approacheth, don’t they? So many loved ones upon whom I want to shower tokens of my adoration in the way of gifts, even small ones. Not to mention my three year old nephew’s approaching birthday … Auntie’s got to come through there, no excuses.

Such were the thoughts and lists clogging my brain from 3–5am as I tossed and turned, alternately making mental “don’t forget” lists and willing myself to get some sleep in preparation for a busy weekend filled with even more … stuff.