Breast cancer was the last thing on Janie’s mind. She was too busy picking paint colors and curtains for her baby’s nursery. It took months for her to wrap her brain around becoming a single mother, but after several abortions, she decided her body wanted to have a baby, and she was going to stop fighting it. She had her baby girl’s name all picked out, the onesies and swaddle blankets washed and folded in the drawers, and the birth plan for her doula written out. Too young for routine mammograms, Janie had been getting yearly breast exams and religiously checking for lumps in the shower. Although she had no family history, she tells me she always knew she would get breast cancer. A psychic told her when she was in college.

One day, in her third trimester, she noticed a new lump on one of those shower exams. Assuming it was a clogged milk duct or some other harmless change associated with pregnancy, she waited until her next doctor’s visit to mention it. And there it was- a big, hard, rock-like lump. Radiology studies uncovered concerning calcifications, and before she knew it, an orderly was whisking her off to the operating room for a breast biopsy, only two months before her due date. She received the biopsy result the day her girlfriends were throwing her baby shower. The news didn’t surprise her. She just never realized she’d be a new mother when she faced her breast cancer.

Suddenly, the sweater she was knitting and the mural she was painting seemed a trivial waste of energy. Who cares if the baby has a hand-knit sweater, if she has to struggle through life as an orphan? When she should have been rejoicing, Janie found herself spiraling in despair, until she found spiritual healing in the perfect harmony of the circle of life. How could one fear death in the presence of the regeneration of the soul? She thought, perhaps, that her little one was an old soul, maybe someone wise, who had already suffered loss and rebirth. Maybe instead of focusing on fear, she should seek inner peace. Isn’t that how a new baby would want to enter the world?

After a vaginal delivery, a lumpectomy, radiation, acupuncture, and reiki, Janie found solace in breastfeeding from her unaffected breast. Just looking at her baby girl Rose filled her with hope for the future. Although her cancer grew rapidly because of the pregnancy hormones, it was still early stage- good news. Although she’ll never know exactly how her pregnancy affected her diagnosis, she tells me that if she had to do it all over again, she’d still choose Rose and breast cancer, over a life without either.

When I asked her to tell me what she looks like on the inside, Janie said, “Lots of hearts and flowers and smiley faces, like a hippie chick from the sixties, with daisies in her hair.” She knows plenty about hippie chicks, as a faithful follower of the Grateful Dead and a PhD student from Berkeley, who never finished her dissertation. For years, she obsessed about her unfinished degree, but now that she is a mother with breast cancer, she doesn’t want to waste one more moment of her life doing things she should do. Instead, she wants to start a line of children’s clothing and knitwear. Covered with lots of hearts and flowers and smiley faces.

Just recently, she decided to visit another psychic. This time, the enrobed healer told her she needs to stop living for the future and start living in the moment. Janie isn’t sure why the psychic said this. Did she envision some reason not to wait for tomorrow? Something she didn’t tell Janie? But she’s not going to worry about it. “After all,” she says, “Shouldn’t we all be living for today anyway? Life is too short, and you never know what will happen tomorrow.”